Wicked

When I was in high school, things were pretty rough. My parents got divorced, realized I was gay, and couldn't give myself any slack because I was a perfectionist. To be honest, I was very close to hating myself. Sometimes I felt like I did. But it would have been unfair of me not to try to survive and do my best to thrive because I loved my family. I knew my family loved and needed me. It would have been selfish to let myself go. I felt trapped in a life that could never get any better. There were a small handful of things that helped pull me out of that state, but one big one was Wicked.

Elphaba was up against some of the worst prejudice. Simply because she was born green, people were afraid of and hated her. This is highly suggestive of the historical prejudice that "colored" people faced all over the world. Being "green" somehow made her less then human- a "witch" even. A "wicked witch." People were so blinded by their fears of someone who looked different that they grew to believe crazy lies like she would MELT if water touched her skin. Society tried not to let her become empowered, her father tried to keep her out of school. Her school found her and her abilities "exotic" and powerful so they tried to take advantage of her. No matter what way she turned, people treated her badly. But she never gave up. In fact, she didn't give a shit what anyone said. That is not to say that her feelings weren't hurt, but that she never believed what they said about her and she aimed for high goals. No one and nothing would stop her.

"Something has changed within me, something is not the same...I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game..."
"I'm through excepting limits, because someone says there's so! Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know!"
"It's time to try defying gravity! Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity and you can't pull me down!"
"So If you care to find me look to the western sky! As someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly!"
"And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying FREE!"
"To those who'd ground me, take a message back from me:
Tell them how I am DEFYING GRAVITY! I'm flying high DEFYING GRAVITY!"

It don't matter to her if she lost everything she had, she was going to stand up to the people who she knew were doing evil things - not just to her, but to others who couldn't stand up for themselves. She knew she would have to do it alone, but she didn't even hesitate to make the right choice.

Like Elphaba, I felt very much alone and like a freak. No one I knew was gay and I was ashamed to tell my family. My family, who had so recently fallen apart. What if they couldn't handle it? Or what if they believed I was making the wrong choice? I did everything I could think of to "shake off the gay", but it was clear that it was NOT going to go away. I also had a very strong sense of justice and strong work ethic. If other people screwed around in band, I was quick to let them know that wasn't going to "fly" with me (pun intended). I was called a witch, a bitch, and the most painful was...dyke. I wasn't even out to myself let alone others and the frightful day when a red-neck boy called me so in front of the rest of the band, I thought for sure he was going to get a knuckle-sandwich. Somehow, I kept myself together. I decided that I would continue to fight for what I believed in even if it meant everyone hated me. This was a complete exaggeration but I was a teenager and very confused. Finally, I realized that even my powerful idol, Elphaba was not invincible.

"I'm limited...just look at me. I'm limited. And just look at you, you can do all I couldn't do, Glinda."

I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn't fight the rest of the world by myself, nor could I continue to fight my own feelings. I couldn't throw my hopes and need for love and affection aside no matter how much I wished I could. I was human. The best I could do was to accept that those who would inevitably do or say evil things against me and forgive them. Forgive those of my family or friends who loved me but couldn't accept that I was gay. I couldn't fight it anymore and I couldn't lie to myself. I was weak with my own hatred of the way that I was and I needed to heal.

"Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder half way through the wood,
Who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you...I have been changed for good."

Even those who had or would be cruel to me had changed me for the better. They made me stronger and they forced me to face and forgive myself. It wasn't my fault. I couldn't change it because lord knews I tried, and I didn't have to. How could loving someone else be wrong? In a world full of so much hatred, how could loving someone, no matter who it was, be a bad thing? As long as I wasn't like those prejudice bigots that I knew were behaving maliciously out of fear and stupidity, I was ok. I was free to be myself for the first time in my life, I didn't have to hide or be afraid that someone would know how I really felt.

I also learned that my greatest enemy in all of this, had been myself. I faced some bullies and found that not all my friends or family accepted this part of me, but in general, I was very lucky. My mother, father, and sister all loved me regardless and were fine with this part of me. I would have really died inside without their support. The only person I actually truly cared about who hated me for who I was...was me. Once I forgave myself, I was able to face the few enemies I had more courageously.

Wicked helped me in three ways. First, it gave me someone to identify with. Elphaba felt like a freak and as much as she told herself that nothing was wrong and the way people felt didn't bother her, it actually did. The second way in which it helped was giving me the gift of "Defying Gravity". Elphaba was hurt, but it didn't stop her from being strong and doing what was right. She threw everything right back into the face of her enemies.   I never would have made it without her words of power and action. Lastly, Elphaba's admittance that she really was "limited" and needed to accept the help of others helped me to realize that I too was not invincible.  I needed my Mother. I needed my Daddy and my grandparents and my Sister to love and help me accept who I was. Which they did. I believe in the emotional powers of Wicked and I believe in faith, love, and survival because of what Elphaba taught me.

Wicked changed me, for good.

I'm going to sign off with one of Elphaba's messages-

"So if you care to find me, look to the Western sky, as someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly! And if I'm flying solo at least I'm flying free, to those who'd ground me take a message back from me: Tell them how I am Defying Gravity!"