After Surgery

Two weeks ago, I started to feel excruciating pain after being sick for 4 days straight. What I thought was the flu, turned into terrible, unbearable lower abdominal pain. I went to the doctor in the morning, who told me they weren't sure what was wrong, gave me a shot for the pain and sent me home. The pain came back even worse than it had been that morning and I found myself in the E.R. at Kaiser. What scared me the most is the fact that I had been to the E.R. some two years before for terrible abdominal pain and the E.R. had shrugged it off as "a stomach ache." Last time, I waited 4 hours in the waiting room before being admitted. This time, I was taken right away (probably because I was having trouble standing at that point). I won't lie, I was in the most pain I've ever been in - in all of my short 23 years of living. While the doctor still didn't know what was wrong with me this time, he did offer to do a CAT scan. It's not something they like to do unnecessarily, especially on young people, but after the morphine wore off and the pain came back as strong as ever, they decided to give it a shot. What they found was fluid and irritation around my gallbladder and other evidence that my liver too was suffering. They sent me for an ultrasound and discovered that I had gallstones. One (according to the doctor) was at least half an inch in size (apparently that's a pretty good-sized gallstone). The doctor said that he recommended removing the gallbladder entirely, or risk being in pain longer and the gallstones either not passing or simply coming back. I opted to have it removed. My grandfather left me at the E.R. to pick up my mother, who flew down to stay with me while I had my surgery and stayed in the hospital. The surgery was about an hour and a half (if I remember correctly) and went fine. It's not a risky procedure but it is pretty unusual for someone my age to have gallstones or gallbladder removal. The whole producer was fairly uncomfortable, but I will say that I was on drugs for most of it so I can only say it could have been far worse. Morphine is my friend (my friend who makes me nauseous). 

I'm extremely grateful to the doctors AND nurses who were so kind to me. While it was not a difficult surgery it was still scary for me and I'm glad that I had so many people around me to help me get through it as painlessly as possible. It's a humbling experience that not only makes me realize how fragile my life is, but how lucky I am. I got health insurance just a month ago. I never would have been able to afford these expenses otherwise. I don't think it's a coincidence. I have a loving family who did everything they could to be there for me. My Father, Sister, Grandmother, and even Godmother all called me to say that they loved me and everything was going to be ok. My Mom flew down from Placerville and stayed with me for several days even when I got out of the hospital. Many of my friends from rugby and band and everywhere posted on my Facebook to show their support. My friends from work at the Symphony had flowers and a card delivered to my apartment. I am so privileged to know the people I know. I feel blessed by my God. I wasn't alone. 

I also noticed how much I've grown in just the past couple of years. If this had happened to me just a few years ago, I would have flipped out. It's true that I was scared and nervous, but when I found out I had to have surgery I was far less afraid then 20 year old Alana would have been. I believe God really does give us the ability to evolve. I have grown and become stronger. Sometimes I'm not always sure people change for the better but for this event in my life, it was definitely for the better. I was able to handle myself pretty well and act like an adult (and I maintain that I acted like an adult even though I cried after my Mom went home - adults cry too ok!). 

I thank the higher being today that I was not only so taken care of, but that I was able to see how much I've grown in this life. 

"House M.D."

Today I finished watching the last episode of "House M.D." I know the rest of you are probably thinking, "Uh where have you been?! 'House' has been over for months!" but I've been MIA. The show reminded me too much of someone that I used to know and it got too painful after a while to watch, but I'm glad that I came back to it.

Now, another question some of you might be asking is "Why in the world would you decide to talk about 'House' on a blog about believing in God?" It's true, the character of House is a strong atheist. He believes God is a made-up character designed to either justify the power of the church or to make people feel better about living in a harsh world (or what he considers to be a harsh world). For some people, either or both of these scenarios could be true, but the reason I picked this show is because for all House's religion bashing and seemingly infinite wisdom, there are still things he finds himself unable to explain and he still cannot hide his humanity.

A majority of the time, House is a very selfish character. While most people become doctors to help other be well (or for the money), House does it simply because it makes him feel powerful to solve complicated health issues. God knows that Greg House tries very hard to maintain this image too. He often makes fun of or pull pranks on people for no reason whatsoever, simply to keep his image as a hard, shrewd, but necessary doctor at Princeton Plansboro Hospital. I would argue however, that a good amount of the time his actions are also in favor of others. He has a very strange way of doing it, but the actions do help others. They are often motivated by his own selfish needs- he wants his doctors to be the best they can be, but only because then they are of greatest use to him. But he also knows that all the doctors will eventually leave him to move onto better things, and he can't argue that this is good for him because it means finding replacements and he abhors this task. Every time he's forced to find a new person, he is frustrated and puts it off until the last minute. He does care about his doctors and he often makes connections with his patients, despite his best effort not to. It shows that while he is not an easy man to find the goodness in, he simply cannot help it. Despite his efforts to put others down, he winds up helping them. His relationship with others always results in more goodness than wrong.

 I believe this is simply the way we as a people are engineered. People are selfish to survive, but they are also good. No matter what terrible thing they do to someone else, some good always does come of it. Even war, one of the most terrible of events in human history, teaches us how precious peace is, and how fragile and important all human life is. This lesson is especially apparent in House's New Jersey Hospital, where death is everywhere, frequent, and threatening. House didn't just save lives. He saved souls and changed lives for the better, even when some of his patients died. You couldn't meet House without being significantly changed. And I also believe that you couldn't meet House without in some ways meeting Hugh Laurie and David Shore who are real people. The character of House is fictional, but remember that the ideas come from reality and from the minds of people who are real. Therefore, House in a way, is a real person.

"Everybody lies" House tells us, but I don't thing that the idea that there could be a God is a lie. House helped me to grow up and far from forcing me to doubt my belief in God, he strengthened it, because I was forced to question more then ever what is true and logical. The end result is that I still see a God. I still see a life worth living. For all House's misery, what a fascinating life he had, that we all have to live. Life isn't about happiness or avoiding pain. It's about solving lots of little mysteries over a long period of time. It's about experience and learning, and House really captures this for me. Best of luck to Hugh Laurie, David Shore, and all the actors and crew members of "House M.D." You made a difference in my life, and you make me believe.

"So Dear to My Heart"

This is a much less-known Disney movie and often overlooked in terms of importance. I understand that a lot of the older Disney movies, especially the ones that were not cartoons like "the Swiss Family Robinson" have been forgotten. Yet, this movie really speaks to me personally.

Those of you that have read my blog post on "Pets" know how very special my dog, Charm was to me. He was my absolute, best friend in high school, which may have been one of the most difficult times in my life. Charm however, was not a favorite of everyone he met. While he loved me, he was not always great with strangers and he definitely didn't play well with other dogs. I can't tell you how many times people told me to get rid of him. Years after my dog had gotten into a small scrap with another friend of the family's dog, the lady said casually to me, "So you did finally get rid of the dog, right?" When I replied, no- that we had found other ways of taking care of the problem, she said, "Well you should have, that dog was a nuisance!" There are few times I have been angrier and had to be quiet at the same time, in my entire life. I loved that dog, maybe more than any person in the world at that point. Taking that dog away would have been terrible for me, but some people only care about their stupid, quiet, clean, boring lives to deal with anything that's different or requires an open mind.

"So Dear to My Heart" is about a boy named Jeremiah Kincaid who dreams of owning a champion race horse until one day when the lambs are born in his grandmother's barn. He meets Danny, a small and unfortunately, black lamb. Danny's mother rejects him because of his color and Jeremiah's heart swells with pity and compassion for the little sheep. Although his grandmother immediately tells him that black sheep are a nuisance and useless because black wool is undesirable, Jeremiah takes the lamb in as a pet. Trading in his dream to own a championship horse, Jeremiah decides to prove to everyone who laughed at Danny that his lamb is worth something by planning to take the lamb to the county fair. If the lamb can win a blue ribbon and cash prize, he'll be the talk of the town! But Danny proves to be a difficult pet to have. He is strong and bull-headed, constantly causes damage to everything he comes across and is an escape artist to boot. Jeremiah never gives up on the lamb. He fixes everything the lamb breaks, searches through the dangerous swamps for wild honey to fund his county fair trip, and stays out in the woods for hours after the lamb runs away one night while its pouring rain. His grandmother tries time and time again to get rid of the lamb but she just can't do it. Jeremiah loves the lamb so much, that one night after a particularly bad incident, she finds him asleep in the barn with his arm around the lamb. 

The lamb means everything to the boy. In the end, Jeremiah takes the lamb to the fair and although the lamb does not win the blue ribbon, he wins a special award for merit and as the judge calls it, "real spirit." Jeremiah believes this event changed him for the rest of his life and I believe Charm changed mine too. 

This movie is one of the first I've seen that shows that animals, as well as people can have a good deal of unfair prejudice against them, but it does NOT mean that they do not have worth. Charm would never hurt an innocent person. He was great with babies and incredibly patient, yet people avoided him on the sidewalk because he was a pitbull. People told Jeremiah over and over that his lamb was an ugly, obnoxious, nuisance, and a waste of time, but Jeremiah saw the beauty in the small, unfortunate little sheep and loved him for who he was. In return, I imagine that this experience with Danny helped Jeremiah to grow up to become a very kind and determined young man. This story teaches us to never give up on the ones we love and to follow our dreams no matter how bad things seem. "True love is good for the soul" Granny tells Jeremiah and it doesn't matter that the thing he loved was a sheep. This movie makes me believe in a higher power because it touches my soul and reminds me that I am not alone in my belief that simply because a creature is less intelligent then a person, does not mean that it does not have worth. And this makes me feel stronger.

The movie may not be popular, but just as Danny was unpopular and loved never the less by Jeremiah, this movie will always be special to me. It will always be, "So Dear to My Heart."

Bikers Baby!

And no, I don't mean the guys with leather that have a motor under the hood, although I'm sure those motorcyclers are nice too. Here are some pictures for clarification:

Cool Bike

"Cool" Bike

I mean the people who wear the dorky, hardcore spandex and the plastic buckle helmets.

Like these Guys...note the packages...

 As someone who has been an athlete most of her life, I don't know how these people do it. Just watching the bicyclists on the Olympics or even just the students on the UCSD bike club makes me uncomfortable. First of all, I have a latex sensitivity so I would itch like mad, plus my body type doesn't really lend itself to a one-piece tight suit. But seriously, these guys have to be on their bikes ALL DAMN DAY to really get good at it. I could barely make it to school from just a couple of blocks away (damn you VA Hospital Hill)! I've never had the endurance to be a biker and the few times that I tried to make it a routine failed badly. I simply couldn't get better fast enough to stick with it. Yet these Olympic athletes will bike ALL DAY (yes, I said it again because it's ridiculous). It's probably one of the few Olympic sports were the athlete's event literally takes HOURS. You have to leave and come back later to find out the results!

My Mother and Stepfather trained all last year and then did an across-the-country bike trip from Spring-Summer this year. It took an amazing amount of planning and training. I can't believe they could really do something like that, but they made it! Biked the whole way! The sore muscles! My God, I can only image! It's no wonder that bikers have the lean muscle and trim bodies that they do! Hats or rather, helmets off to my Mom and Step-Dad! (To read more about their adventure, click here: http://wolfesride.blogspot.com/)

It's no small feat that human possess the mental fortitude to keep going and the muscle power to keep pedaling that far! I image that while we can do so much on our own, we must get some help from an outside power. A power to push through the pain and transform our bodies into serious machines. Bad-ass bikers make me believe in a greater, stronger power!

Beginnings

Change was never easy for me. As a child (and sometimes still as an adult) my mother called me a worry-wart. Every time I moved up a grade or had to take a test, I would bite my nails and sweat it out. Mom was always telling me to relax. She once got me these little "worry people" made of wood that live in a little, tiny bag under your pillow to help take away some of the fear. It was really just a cute gesture, but I still have them under my pillow.

This last week was all about new things and starting over for me. Not all of it was by choice- my good friend and apartment mate of two years graduated and moved away. I was sad to see him go and nervous to find new people to live with, but I did. My new apartment mates are good people too and I'm sure that in no time I'll be settled in.

I also got a new job! I'm in the same location, working with the same people that I like, but now I have permanent status and benefits! That means this year when I play rugby, I won't have to be so concerned about how to pay for health insurance (or when I get sick)! It means a pay increase and added responsibilities. I had to interview with the CEO, which was terrifying for me. The man has worked on the same, small floor with me for a year and never said a word to me so I was intimidated. I could barely sleep the two nights before the interview. But as my good friend and coach told me, "He's just a person" and he really was "just a person." In fact, he was pretty easy to talk to!

It's a new year and a new rugby season as well. Not only will I have health benefits and a pay increase to help me pay my dues, but I will have a changed body. I am still one of the slower girls on the team, but I have improved from last year and my attitude is stronger, which is very important! This year, I want to have fun! And stop comparing myself so much to others. I play rugby because I think it's the most fun sport I could possibly play and because I believe it's healthy for me, so why waste my time worry about how everyone else is doing?

I believe that all the new things, people, places in life are very important for you to experience if you are to grow. We cannot change and evolve ourselves if everything is static. It was easier to believe once I just stopped freaking out so much. I'm sure I'll always be nervous about new experiences, who wouldn't be? I've come to realize that by allowing it to scare you, it then rules your entire experience, and it was never worth being so stressed out about so really you just wasted your time. Looking at it positively can save you a lot of heartache, and I'm fairly certain that on both a mental and even physical level, it's much healthier for you. It was a lesson that took me a very long time to learn and I may never fully realize it. However, I do believe in the power of a positive mind and that change is a gift. I trust that whatever life throws at me is necessary, whether or not it makes me happy initially. I believe that positivity and new beginnings were a gift left to us by the creator, otherwise life would be static and boring. We just have to decide to use the gifts left to us and believe that we have it within ourselves to adapt. Believe you have the power!

New Beginnings make me believe that maybe I can do this just a little bit longer! That there is more to life then I have seen - better things! Better things that I WILL see!

"Spears shall be shaken! Shields Shall be splintered! A sword day! A red day! THEN THE SUN RISES!" -Aragorn, The Return of the King

Pride Parade

Drag queens, ass-less chaps, rainbow flags, oh my!

What I love about the Pride Parade (at least the one in San Diego since I have not yet had the privilege of attending San Francisco Pride) is that there are so many different kinds of supporters there. Straight people, gay guys, gay girls, churches who support the rights, corporations who support gay rights, drag queens, drag kings, transgender peoples, asexuals (which wordpress refuses to accept as a real word),  pansexuals, university groups, everyone is there! Not everyone there believes in the same things or that our fight should be won in the same way, but we put it aside for Pride. Solidarity is important because history has shown us over and over again that their is strength in numbers. So we come together every year to show we're queer and we don't care what the rest of the world really thinks of us. We want our rights and we won't give up!

Things are getting better. The government repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell, so the Armed Forces also joined us in uniform for the first time. I believe they have a lot to be proud of and I'm pleased that events like this are happening in my lifetime. With the consistent overturn of Proposition 8 in the courts, I believe its only a matter of time until anyone can marry the person they love without legal interference. It may still be years until the courts enforce it, but it's happening. LGBT rights will never be perfect, but I have to admit that I never did think a President, even Obama would risk their political careers so greatly by publicly announcing that he supports gay marriage rights. I didn't think he would do it, I didn't believe. It shows that things really are changing, and Pride was an excellent way for me to celebrate and to show the forces of this world, that I am thankful for it.

Stay together, be strong and keep believing that good things happen San Diego! Maybe there really is something bigger looking out for all of us (no matter how small the minority). It could all be a coincidence, but I still believe their is love and justice in the world. You can't "hate" that way!

Wicked

When I was in high school, things were pretty rough. My parents got divorced, realized I was gay, and couldn't give myself any slack because I was a perfectionist. To be honest, I was very close to hating myself. Sometimes I felt like I did. But it would have been unfair of me not to try to survive and do my best to thrive because I loved my family. I knew my family loved and needed me. It would have been selfish to let myself go. I felt trapped in a life that could never get any better. There were a small handful of things that helped pull me out of that state, but one big one was Wicked.

Elphaba was up against some of the worst prejudice. Simply because she was born green, people were afraid of and hated her. This is highly suggestive of the historical prejudice that "colored" people faced all over the world. Being "green" somehow made her less then human- a "witch" even. A "wicked witch." People were so blinded by their fears of someone who looked different that they grew to believe crazy lies like she would MELT if water touched her skin. Society tried not to let her become empowered, her father tried to keep her out of school. Her school found her and her abilities "exotic" and powerful so they tried to take advantage of her. No matter what way she turned, people treated her badly. But she never gave up. In fact, she didn't give a shit what anyone said. That is not to say that her feelings weren't hurt, but that she never believed what they said about her and she aimed for high goals. No one and nothing would stop her.

"Something has changed within me, something is not the same...I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game..."
"I'm through excepting limits, because someone says there's so! Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know!"
"It's time to try defying gravity! Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity and you can't pull me down!"
"So If you care to find me look to the western sky! As someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly!"
"And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying FREE!"
"To those who'd ground me, take a message back from me:
Tell them how I am DEFYING GRAVITY! I'm flying high DEFYING GRAVITY!"

It don't matter to her if she lost everything she had, she was going to stand up to the people who she knew were doing evil things - not just to her, but to others who couldn't stand up for themselves. She knew she would have to do it alone, but she didn't even hesitate to make the right choice.

Like Elphaba, I felt very much alone and like a freak. No one I knew was gay and I was ashamed to tell my family. My family, who had so recently fallen apart. What if they couldn't handle it? Or what if they believed I was making the wrong choice? I did everything I could think of to "shake off the gay", but it was clear that it was NOT going to go away. I also had a very strong sense of justice and strong work ethic. If other people screwed around in band, I was quick to let them know that wasn't going to "fly" with me (pun intended). I was called a witch, a bitch, and the most painful was...dyke. I wasn't even out to myself let alone others and the frightful day when a red-neck boy called me so in front of the rest of the band, I thought for sure he was going to get a knuckle-sandwich. Somehow, I kept myself together. I decided that I would continue to fight for what I believed in even if it meant everyone hated me. This was a complete exaggeration but I was a teenager and very confused. Finally, I realized that even my powerful idol, Elphaba was not invincible.

"I'm limited...just look at me. I'm limited. And just look at you, you can do all I couldn't do, Glinda."

I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn't fight the rest of the world by myself, nor could I continue to fight my own feelings. I couldn't throw my hopes and need for love and affection aside no matter how much I wished I could. I was human. The best I could do was to accept that those who would inevitably do or say evil things against me and forgive them. Forgive those of my family or friends who loved me but couldn't accept that I was gay. I couldn't fight it anymore and I couldn't lie to myself. I was weak with my own hatred of the way that I was and I needed to heal.

"Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder half way through the wood,
Who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you...I have been changed for good."

Even those who had or would be cruel to me had changed me for the better. They made me stronger and they forced me to face and forgive myself. It wasn't my fault. I couldn't change it because lord knews I tried, and I didn't have to. How could loving someone else be wrong? In a world full of so much hatred, how could loving someone, no matter who it was, be a bad thing? As long as I wasn't like those prejudice bigots that I knew were behaving maliciously out of fear and stupidity, I was ok. I was free to be myself for the first time in my life, I didn't have to hide or be afraid that someone would know how I really felt.

I also learned that my greatest enemy in all of this, had been myself. I faced some bullies and found that not all my friends or family accepted this part of me, but in general, I was very lucky. My mother, father, and sister all loved me regardless and were fine with this part of me. I would have really died inside without their support. The only person I actually truly cared about who hated me for who I was...was me. Once I forgave myself, I was able to face the few enemies I had more courageously.

Wicked helped me in three ways. First, it gave me someone to identify with. Elphaba felt like a freak and as much as she told herself that nothing was wrong and the way people felt didn't bother her, it actually did. The second way in which it helped was giving me the gift of "Defying Gravity". Elphaba was hurt, but it didn't stop her from being strong and doing what was right. She threw everything right back into the face of her enemies.   I never would have made it without her words of power and action. Lastly, Elphaba's admittance that she really was "limited" and needed to accept the help of others helped me to realize that I too was not invincible.  I needed my Mother. I needed my Daddy and my grandparents and my Sister to love and help me accept who I was. Which they did. I believe in the emotional powers of Wicked and I believe in faith, love, and survival because of what Elphaba taught me.

Wicked changed me, for good.

I'm going to sign off with one of Elphaba's messages-

"So if you care to find me, look to the Western sky, as someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly! And if I'm flying solo at least I'm flying free, to those who'd ground me take a message back from me: Tell them how I am Defying Gravity!"