"So Dear to My Heart"

This is a much less-known Disney movie and often overlooked in terms of importance. I understand that a lot of the older Disney movies, especially the ones that were not cartoons like "the Swiss Family Robinson" have been forgotten. Yet, this movie really speaks to me personally.

Those of you that have read my blog post on "Pets" know how very special my dog, Charm was to me. He was my absolute, best friend in high school, which may have been one of the most difficult times in my life. Charm however, was not a favorite of everyone he met. While he loved me, he was not always great with strangers and he definitely didn't play well with other dogs. I can't tell you how many times people told me to get rid of him. Years after my dog had gotten into a small scrap with another friend of the family's dog, the lady said casually to me, "So you did finally get rid of the dog, right?" When I replied, no- that we had found other ways of taking care of the problem, she said, "Well you should have, that dog was a nuisance!" There are few times I have been angrier and had to be quiet at the same time, in my entire life. I loved that dog, maybe more than any person in the world at that point. Taking that dog away would have been terrible for me, but some people only care about their stupid, quiet, clean, boring lives to deal with anything that's different or requires an open mind.

"So Dear to My Heart" is about a boy named Jeremiah Kincaid who dreams of owning a champion race horse until one day when the lambs are born in his grandmother's barn. He meets Danny, a small and unfortunately, black lamb. Danny's mother rejects him because of his color and Jeremiah's heart swells with pity and compassion for the little sheep. Although his grandmother immediately tells him that black sheep are a nuisance and useless because black wool is undesirable, Jeremiah takes the lamb in as a pet. Trading in his dream to own a championship horse, Jeremiah decides to prove to everyone who laughed at Danny that his lamb is worth something by planning to take the lamb to the county fair. If the lamb can win a blue ribbon and cash prize, he'll be the talk of the town! But Danny proves to be a difficult pet to have. He is strong and bull-headed, constantly causes damage to everything he comes across and is an escape artist to boot. Jeremiah never gives up on the lamb. He fixes everything the lamb breaks, searches through the dangerous swamps for wild honey to fund his county fair trip, and stays out in the woods for hours after the lamb runs away one night while its pouring rain. His grandmother tries time and time again to get rid of the lamb but she just can't do it. Jeremiah loves the lamb so much, that one night after a particularly bad incident, she finds him asleep in the barn with his arm around the lamb. 

The lamb means everything to the boy. In the end, Jeremiah takes the lamb to the fair and although the lamb does not win the blue ribbon, he wins a special award for merit and as the judge calls it, "real spirit." Jeremiah believes this event changed him for the rest of his life and I believe Charm changed mine too. 

This movie is one of the first I've seen that shows that animals, as well as people can have a good deal of unfair prejudice against them, but it does NOT mean that they do not have worth. Charm would never hurt an innocent person. He was great with babies and incredibly patient, yet people avoided him on the sidewalk because he was a pitbull. People told Jeremiah over and over that his lamb was an ugly, obnoxious, nuisance, and a waste of time, but Jeremiah saw the beauty in the small, unfortunate little sheep and loved him for who he was. In return, I imagine that this experience with Danny helped Jeremiah to grow up to become a very kind and determined young man. This story teaches us to never give up on the ones we love and to follow our dreams no matter how bad things seem. "True love is good for the soul" Granny tells Jeremiah and it doesn't matter that the thing he loved was a sheep. This movie makes me believe in a higher power because it touches my soul and reminds me that I am not alone in my belief that simply because a creature is less intelligent then a person, does not mean that it does not have worth. And this makes me feel stronger.

The movie may not be popular, but just as Danny was unpopular and loved never the less by Jeremiah, this movie will always be special to me. It will always be, "So Dear to My Heart."

Bikers Baby!

And no, I don't mean the guys with leather that have a motor under the hood, although I'm sure those motorcyclers are nice too. Here are some pictures for clarification:

Cool Bike

"Cool" Bike

I mean the people who wear the dorky, hardcore spandex and the plastic buckle helmets.

Like these Guys...note the packages...

 As someone who has been an athlete most of her life, I don't know how these people do it. Just watching the bicyclists on the Olympics or even just the students on the UCSD bike club makes me uncomfortable. First of all, I have a latex sensitivity so I would itch like mad, plus my body type doesn't really lend itself to a one-piece tight suit. But seriously, these guys have to be on their bikes ALL DAMN DAY to really get good at it. I could barely make it to school from just a couple of blocks away (damn you VA Hospital Hill)! I've never had the endurance to be a biker and the few times that I tried to make it a routine failed badly. I simply couldn't get better fast enough to stick with it. Yet these Olympic athletes will bike ALL DAY (yes, I said it again because it's ridiculous). It's probably one of the few Olympic sports were the athlete's event literally takes HOURS. You have to leave and come back later to find out the results!

My Mother and Stepfather trained all last year and then did an across-the-country bike trip from Spring-Summer this year. It took an amazing amount of planning and training. I can't believe they could really do something like that, but they made it! Biked the whole way! The sore muscles! My God, I can only image! It's no wonder that bikers have the lean muscle and trim bodies that they do! Hats or rather, helmets off to my Mom and Step-Dad! (To read more about their adventure, click here: http://wolfesride.blogspot.com/)

It's no small feat that human possess the mental fortitude to keep going and the muscle power to keep pedaling that far! I image that while we can do so much on our own, we must get some help from an outside power. A power to push through the pain and transform our bodies into serious machines. Bad-ass bikers make me believe in a greater, stronger power!

Beginnings

Change was never easy for me. As a child (and sometimes still as an adult) my mother called me a worry-wart. Every time I moved up a grade or had to take a test, I would bite my nails and sweat it out. Mom was always telling me to relax. She once got me these little "worry people" made of wood that live in a little, tiny bag under your pillow to help take away some of the fear. It was really just a cute gesture, but I still have them under my pillow.

This last week was all about new things and starting over for me. Not all of it was by choice- my good friend and apartment mate of two years graduated and moved away. I was sad to see him go and nervous to find new people to live with, but I did. My new apartment mates are good people too and I'm sure that in no time I'll be settled in.

I also got a new job! I'm in the same location, working with the same people that I like, but now I have permanent status and benefits! That means this year when I play rugby, I won't have to be so concerned about how to pay for health insurance (or when I get sick)! It means a pay increase and added responsibilities. I had to interview with the CEO, which was terrifying for me. The man has worked on the same, small floor with me for a year and never said a word to me so I was intimidated. I could barely sleep the two nights before the interview. But as my good friend and coach told me, "He's just a person" and he really was "just a person." In fact, he was pretty easy to talk to!

It's a new year and a new rugby season as well. Not only will I have health benefits and a pay increase to help me pay my dues, but I will have a changed body. I am still one of the slower girls on the team, but I have improved from last year and my attitude is stronger, which is very important! This year, I want to have fun! And stop comparing myself so much to others. I play rugby because I think it's the most fun sport I could possibly play and because I believe it's healthy for me, so why waste my time worry about how everyone else is doing?

I believe that all the new things, people, places in life are very important for you to experience if you are to grow. We cannot change and evolve ourselves if everything is static. It was easier to believe once I just stopped freaking out so much. I'm sure I'll always be nervous about new experiences, who wouldn't be? I've come to realize that by allowing it to scare you, it then rules your entire experience, and it was never worth being so stressed out about so really you just wasted your time. Looking at it positively can save you a lot of heartache, and I'm fairly certain that on both a mental and even physical level, it's much healthier for you. It was a lesson that took me a very long time to learn and I may never fully realize it. However, I do believe in the power of a positive mind and that change is a gift. I trust that whatever life throws at me is necessary, whether or not it makes me happy initially. I believe that positivity and new beginnings were a gift left to us by the creator, otherwise life would be static and boring. We just have to decide to use the gifts left to us and believe that we have it within ourselves to adapt. Believe you have the power!

New Beginnings make me believe that maybe I can do this just a little bit longer! That there is more to life then I have seen - better things! Better things that I WILL see!

"Spears shall be shaken! Shields Shall be splintered! A sword day! A red day! THEN THE SUN RISES!" -Aragorn, The Return of the King

Pride Parade

Drag queens, ass-less chaps, rainbow flags, oh my!

What I love about the Pride Parade (at least the one in San Diego since I have not yet had the privilege of attending San Francisco Pride) is that there are so many different kinds of supporters there. Straight people, gay guys, gay girls, churches who support the rights, corporations who support gay rights, drag queens, drag kings, transgender peoples, asexuals (which wordpress refuses to accept as a real word),  pansexuals, university groups, everyone is there! Not everyone there believes in the same things or that our fight should be won in the same way, but we put it aside for Pride. Solidarity is important because history has shown us over and over again that their is strength in numbers. So we come together every year to show we're queer and we don't care what the rest of the world really thinks of us. We want our rights and we won't give up!

Things are getting better. The government repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell, so the Armed Forces also joined us in uniform for the first time. I believe they have a lot to be proud of and I'm pleased that events like this are happening in my lifetime. With the consistent overturn of Proposition 8 in the courts, I believe its only a matter of time until anyone can marry the person they love without legal interference. It may still be years until the courts enforce it, but it's happening. LGBT rights will never be perfect, but I have to admit that I never did think a President, even Obama would risk their political careers so greatly by publicly announcing that he supports gay marriage rights. I didn't think he would do it, I didn't believe. It shows that things really are changing, and Pride was an excellent way for me to celebrate and to show the forces of this world, that I am thankful for it.

Stay together, be strong and keep believing that good things happen San Diego! Maybe there really is something bigger looking out for all of us (no matter how small the minority). It could all be a coincidence, but I still believe their is love and justice in the world. You can't "hate" that way!

Wicked

When I was in high school, things were pretty rough. My parents got divorced, realized I was gay, and couldn't give myself any slack because I was a perfectionist. To be honest, I was very close to hating myself. Sometimes I felt like I did. But it would have been unfair of me not to try to survive and do my best to thrive because I loved my family. I knew my family loved and needed me. It would have been selfish to let myself go. I felt trapped in a life that could never get any better. There were a small handful of things that helped pull me out of that state, but one big one was Wicked.

Elphaba was up against some of the worst prejudice. Simply because she was born green, people were afraid of and hated her. This is highly suggestive of the historical prejudice that "colored" people faced all over the world. Being "green" somehow made her less then human- a "witch" even. A "wicked witch." People were so blinded by their fears of someone who looked different that they grew to believe crazy lies like she would MELT if water touched her skin. Society tried not to let her become empowered, her father tried to keep her out of school. Her school found her and her abilities "exotic" and powerful so they tried to take advantage of her. No matter what way she turned, people treated her badly. But she never gave up. In fact, she didn't give a shit what anyone said. That is not to say that her feelings weren't hurt, but that she never believed what they said about her and she aimed for high goals. No one and nothing would stop her.

"Something has changed within me, something is not the same...I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game..."
"I'm through excepting limits, because someone says there's so! Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know!"
"It's time to try defying gravity! Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity and you can't pull me down!"
"So If you care to find me look to the western sky! As someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly!"
"And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying FREE!"
"To those who'd ground me, take a message back from me:
Tell them how I am DEFYING GRAVITY! I'm flying high DEFYING GRAVITY!"

It don't matter to her if she lost everything she had, she was going to stand up to the people who she knew were doing evil things - not just to her, but to others who couldn't stand up for themselves. She knew she would have to do it alone, but she didn't even hesitate to make the right choice.

Like Elphaba, I felt very much alone and like a freak. No one I knew was gay and I was ashamed to tell my family. My family, who had so recently fallen apart. What if they couldn't handle it? Or what if they believed I was making the wrong choice? I did everything I could think of to "shake off the gay", but it was clear that it was NOT going to go away. I also had a very strong sense of justice and strong work ethic. If other people screwed around in band, I was quick to let them know that wasn't going to "fly" with me (pun intended). I was called a witch, a bitch, and the most painful was...dyke. I wasn't even out to myself let alone others and the frightful day when a red-neck boy called me so in front of the rest of the band, I thought for sure he was going to get a knuckle-sandwich. Somehow, I kept myself together. I decided that I would continue to fight for what I believed in even if it meant everyone hated me. This was a complete exaggeration but I was a teenager and very confused. Finally, I realized that even my powerful idol, Elphaba was not invincible.

"I'm limited...just look at me. I'm limited. And just look at you, you can do all I couldn't do, Glinda."

I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn't fight the rest of the world by myself, nor could I continue to fight my own feelings. I couldn't throw my hopes and need for love and affection aside no matter how much I wished I could. I was human. The best I could do was to accept that those who would inevitably do or say evil things against me and forgive them. Forgive those of my family or friends who loved me but couldn't accept that I was gay. I couldn't fight it anymore and I couldn't lie to myself. I was weak with my own hatred of the way that I was and I needed to heal.

"Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder half way through the wood,
Who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you...I have been changed for good."

Even those who had or would be cruel to me had changed me for the better. They made me stronger and they forced me to face and forgive myself. It wasn't my fault. I couldn't change it because lord knews I tried, and I didn't have to. How could loving someone else be wrong? In a world full of so much hatred, how could loving someone, no matter who it was, be a bad thing? As long as I wasn't like those prejudice bigots that I knew were behaving maliciously out of fear and stupidity, I was ok. I was free to be myself for the first time in my life, I didn't have to hide or be afraid that someone would know how I really felt.

I also learned that my greatest enemy in all of this, had been myself. I faced some bullies and found that not all my friends or family accepted this part of me, but in general, I was very lucky. My mother, father, and sister all loved me regardless and were fine with this part of me. I would have really died inside without their support. The only person I actually truly cared about who hated me for who I was...was me. Once I forgave myself, I was able to face the few enemies I had more courageously.

Wicked helped me in three ways. First, it gave me someone to identify with. Elphaba felt like a freak and as much as she told herself that nothing was wrong and the way people felt didn't bother her, it actually did. The second way in which it helped was giving me the gift of "Defying Gravity". Elphaba was hurt, but it didn't stop her from being strong and doing what was right. She threw everything right back into the face of her enemies.   I never would have made it without her words of power and action. Lastly, Elphaba's admittance that she really was "limited" and needed to accept the help of others helped me to realize that I too was not invincible.  I needed my Mother. I needed my Daddy and my grandparents and my Sister to love and help me accept who I was. Which they did. I believe in the emotional powers of Wicked and I believe in faith, love, and survival because of what Elphaba taught me.

Wicked changed me, for good.

I'm going to sign off with one of Elphaba's messages-

"So if you care to find me, look to the Western sky, as someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly! And if I'm flying solo at least I'm flying free, to those who'd ground me take a message back from me: Tell them how I am Defying Gravity!"

Recovering from being Sick

I don't mean from something really serious, but that does happen. I just mean from having something like a wicked flu. I've been unlucky the last few months. I've had the flu, had a bad reaction to a prescription, and had an infection in a cyst buried deep under my skin. None of these things were my fault. I did everything right but I was still sick. When I was having side effects from the prescription, my bad pounded, my eyes were blurry, I felt dizzy and nauseous, and disoriented. I was even having problems with simple memories. When sick sometimes we hurt so much that we almost wish we were dead. I just wanted the pain to stop so bad. I just got so damn tired of fighting it. You just want it to stop. It seems like it will never end...

But it does. It really does go away. Just days later- it all disappears. Its like it never happened. I'm back to my old self. It's strange, where did the pain all go? Not that I miss it, not at all. But I feel almost, suspicious... that something that had so much power over my body could just leave without a trace.

Our bodies have amazing abilities. No matter how sick we feel, or drained of energy, it is possible to overcome. Our bodies are a great work of art and engineering. But our minds and souls are stronger. If we can will then to survive, our bodies recover. I have always believed that there are circumstances under which we are given a choice- a choice to live or die. Sometimes there is too much life left in us, and we can fight death. But sometimes we are simply, done. For the eternal amount of experience that life offers, no human being can handle all of it. Our bodies are limited as is even our souls perhaps? I believe that evolution did a marvelous job on our bodies. And I think God created evolution so that our bodies could evolve to the best they were able to. This includes our minds. We evolved to work together, to love each other because it was the best chance of survival we had. To work together. 

But back to the part about being healthy again. Having been recently sick and having recovered, the fact that we can bounce back from such a loss of control, helps me to believe that there is something grandeur looking out for us. Something that evolved us to be able to heal thousands of years ago. Its been looking out for us, for a long time.

The Lion King

First, I'm going to acknowledge that it's a bit strange that a movie that takes place in Africa has so much Christian overtones. I admit that I know nothing about any African religions (and I know there are many). But I happen to see a lot of Christian ideas in the movie. I guess you could make the argument that the movie focuses on animals and who knows what they believe anyway? That said, I'm going to simply appreciate what it does for me personally, even though it most likely does not reflect African culture. I'm going to try not to see the religious ideas in it as "Christian" but more as simply suggestive that everything in the world is connected, life never really ends, and that goodness can exist even in the darkest moments.


"Everything you see, exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance, and respect all the creatures, from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope." Obviously, no ruler, be they king or president of a democracy, can follow this to the letter, but it is important that Mufasa kept this in mind. "When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so, we are all connected in the great circle of life." When I put this into human perspective, I think of it as no person is better, stronger, or more deserving than anyone else on this planet. It is impossible for us not to judge each other, but if we must be imperfect, then we must do our best to do so with an open mind and respect each other the best that we can. I wonder if Mufasa's treatment of Zazoo was a fair one- allowing Simba to use him as target practice- or if it was wrong to exile the hyenas from the "pride lands" (land of plenty). Those things didn't really seem "right" to me, but he did at least realize that everyone was connected and important in the grand scheme. Even his food, he believed was to be respected for they would one day trod upon the ground where he was laid to rest. Scar, on the other hand completely destroyed the land that had given him life. His blatant disrespect for the animals that he ate and the plants that fed the food he consumed destroyed everything. Not just for his royal subjects, but for himself. The land became hard, gray, and devoid of happiness. Whether or not there really are higher beings "Great kings of the past, looking down on us" it was clear that that kind of disrespect for life, destroyed life for everyone and so it was wrong. It took the return of a flawed, but humble king to return the land to its former state. 


Simba was obviously not perfect either, but his humbled self allowed him to be kinder to others and the land, which eventually returned to its healthy state. The evil that seemed to have crushed any and all life from the savanna, returned. It shows that love and consideration for others creates a better life for everyone. It's not a perfect life, but that doesn't mean we should give up because the difference that a little respect could make was huge. I believe these same principals apply to our real, human lives. 


Simba could not see this vast difference at first. It took the reminding of his friends and his father to bring him back to the land of his birth to where he could literally "see" the evil that plagued the land. All that once was bountiful and beautiful was desolate and gray. He also forgot that you can't turn your back on the rest of the world simply because you are conveniently taken care of, because the world is a part of you. "Simba, you have forgotten me...You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself Simba, you are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the circle of life."

 The movie reminds us that even when we mess up, it is not the end. And we are never alone. Love is with us. 
"How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be," Simba says to his father but his father responds, "You are my son. And the one true king." 
We all make mistakes and sometimes we turn our backs on others for the sake of ourselves, but that doesn't mean we can't go back. There is always hope and love is always on your side. It doesn't mean that you will necessarily get exactly what you want in the end, but at least you are never alone. Simba felt that when his father died, it was not only his fault, but that he had lost the thing he cared most for in the world.
"That's not my father, that's just my reflection-" "No!" Raffiki cuts him off, "Look harder...you see? He lives in you."
Sometimes we lose the people we love in the physical world. This does not mean everything you loved about them is gone. If you still love them, a piece of them remains. I don't mean this metaphorically- your love for them is still real and hasn't died and that was apart of who they were. Nothing affects people and their actions more than being loved. Therefore, Simba's love of his father, kept a piece of Mufasa on the earth with him. The ones we love are kept alive so long as we don't forget the things they stood for, especially those things they upheld for love's sake. Keep those ideas alive, and you have not lost them. Keep those ideas alive and they are never gone from our lives.

"Look kid, bad things happen and you can't do anything about it right? WRONG." No really, wrong. Sorry Timone, but there is always something you can do.

Don't run from your past. Don't run or turn your back on the world and the people you love. Remember that everyone is connected, in some way or another. Even your loving someone positively affects even the people you most dislike in your life. It is always better to love and show respect for those around you. This includes even the different beings of creation and not just people, "from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope," every bug and every tree "breathes" in a sense.

Disney movies get a lot of criticism from feminists and racial activists and I just wanted so say, that while this movie certainly far from perfect, it is not the "Scar" of our children's entertainment experiences, it is the "Mufasa." The Lion King is one such movie that teaches us to love everyone and very thing, to not be jealous of what we do not have (like the greedy Scar) but to live our lives happily (like Timone and Pumba) and do the best we can to survive with the help of those we love (as Simba did with his father), while respecting those who also inhabit our area.

I believe that love lives within all of us and we can choose to embrace it and use it for good. The Lion King inspired me as a child and made me believe in the power of kindness and love. I think it helped me grow up to be a better person than I would have without it.