A year ago, I was horribly out of shape. It wasn't pretty. It was embarrassing and probably the worst time I've ever had playing rugby. I would watch the amazing athletes on my team breeze by and I would barely finish the drills. I wanted to quit so many times because I felt so worthless that it just wasn't fun to play anymore. This was horribly sad for me and it affected all areas of my life.
I was most fortunate when early in the summer, my Aunt told me she was planning on running the Tinkerbell Half-Marathon at Disneyland. I was amazed that she'd be interested in doing something so difficult because she had always told me that she didn't think of herself as an athlete. She's a gifted musician, wonderful mother, and very bright, but hated P.E. as a child. Yet she had decided she was going to run 13 miles! That's not a little thing. She asked if I wanted to do it too. I was afraid. I was so out of shape and my self-esteem was sooo low. But if my aunt was going to do it, maybe I could do it too? I signed up for the very expensive Disneyland race.
It's true Disney is expensive, but it occurred to me that if there is any half-marathon (or full marathon) you want to do for the first time, Disney is the way to go. They go all out and you're running through the parks, which is beautiful and uplifting. Music plays everywhere, lights and colors shine through the darkness, and Disney characters cheer you on. The best part is that most of the runners are in colorful costumes that reflect their happy and excited nature. I wish every time I worked out it was like that!
Somewhere around mile 4, I thought about all the things Disney taught me while I was growing up. Feminists and Critical Gender Studies taught me that Disney teaches children a lot of damaging things, that a girl's only ambition is to get married to a guy and stand by him no matter what. I can't deny that Disney might have given me some of the wrong ideas as a little girl, but the things that I actually remember are uplifting. Ariel taught me that I could love whomever I wanted, Mulan taught me that I (or any GIRL) could do anything even if everyone else disagreed, and Cinderella and Hercules taught me to never stop having faith and if I just believe in myself that I could "Go the Distance." Even Simba taught something, to stop punishing myself for what is and what is past because even though it hurts, "you can either run from it, or learn from it." The most important thing all the Disney movies taught me was that love conquers all, but I had forgotten that this includes how you treat yourself...I had forgotten to love myself. So I tried to stop concentrating so much on my self-image as it was, and just to do my best. Even thinking of what I wanted to be seemed too hard, but I just concentrated on what I could do, and every week I found I could do a little more. I think the lessons I learned from Disney were like that too, they didn't mean nearly as much just knowing them, I had to realize them for myself.
I was still afraid the day before the race that I wouldn't be able to run the whole thing, that I'd have to stop and walk some of it. I had only run 10 miles total at one time, which is pretty typical, but I still wasn't sure I could do it. It wasn't until I started the race and inside the park, the happiest place on Earth, when a song popped into my head, "No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true." I know it's sappy and baby-ish, but I teared up. It's a cliche, but it's true. I knew then that I would finish and had they played that song when I cross the finish line, I would have balled my eyes out like a 6 year-old. Disney champions the underdog (they might not have been underdogs if they lived in our reality but they were in that world) and I certainly felt like an underdog the last 2-3 years of my life.
I realize more fully now, that people are not so cleanly divided into the categories "Winners" and "Losers." Most people are in fact, just people who decide what they want to do. There's people who have obvious advantages but the rest of us are not doomed to fail. Stand up for yourself, just decide that you can do it, and crawl if you have to! You may feel embarrassed to start out doing something that looks so pitiful, but if you don't, you'll spend the rest of your life in misery. It takes a long time to train to the point where you can run 13.10 miles, but if you just do a little more every day, you can do it! The greatest thing I did for myself was to stop looking around so much at what I looked like in comparison to other people. I still have this problem, but every time that I am able to stop and just say "Stop that, just pay attention to what you're doing and ignore the other people," I am happier and usually perform better.
I finished the Tinkerbell Half-Marathon in 2 hours and 24 minutes which was about a half hour faster then I predicted. I was placed 178 out of 810 in my division and was number 2157 out of some 11,000 runners total. It made me glad that I chose the Ms. Incredible costume. I had to believe I could do it and the outfit helped. I didn't just finish, I surpassed my expectations, I was (at least in my own mind) incredible!
Now when I go to rugby practice, I still don't think of myself as a natural athlete. I am not gifted nor am I a leader. I will never be the one who saves the game or get carried off the field, but I don't feel inferior anymore. I am capable and hard-working and I deserve to be a part of the team. I deserve to be happy and I know that if I run into a problem anywhere in life, on or off the field, on or off the race course, I can do it if I just keep going. Just don't stop! Just keep moving and advancing. Like Dory says, "Just keep swimming!" And she's right, it takes baby steps.
I think that the human mind is an amazing thing. Running is very much a mental sport because you have to ignore all the messages your body sends begging you to stop. Yet if you can do this, the results are great. There are little other activities you can do that are as good for you. It made a huge difference. I don't think that our creator wanted things to be easily for us. The fates, whatever it or they is, want us to work and work hard to better our lives because that's the best way to learn and truly experience life. I know those 13.10 miles wouldn't have meant nearly as much to me if I hadn't been so out of shape to begin with. If it hadn't been so hard, why would finishing have meant so much? I also don't think I could have kept going without a greater power on my side. My knees might have collapsed, my sore throat would have made breathing too hard, or my mind would have proven too weak to continue - which would have been the worst thing possible for me to find out. I still believe there's something out there looking out for us. How else could I have done this impossible thing with my body? How could so many have forced themselves to keep going? Our bodies should not be able to endure that kind of pain and actually weren't built to do so, yet somehow it's still possible. It's another small miracle I found exists in a difficult life.
"No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish, will come true."
