Being Employed

So, I had a pretty rough day at work today. Not only was I told to be quiet in the meetings even though I had useful and relevant points to make, but I was also unfairly told to change the way I dress...again. That is all a very long story, but basically, because I tend to dress like a guy, I can't get away with as much as the other girls can in the office who tend to dress more "feminine." They can wear short dresses and skirts, but I can't wear dress shorts that come down past my knees. Anyway, when I was totally pissed about this after work, I realized how negative I was feeling. I was mad because they aren't taking advantage of my skills and complaining about things I did which were completely irrelevant to the grand scheme of things. I'm sure many, if not most people who head home from work in the evenings have the same complaints about the way they're treated at work.

According to CBS report in 2010, "a new survey that found only 45 percent of Americans are satisfied with their work" and this has changed since 2008 when "49 percent of those surveyed reported satisfaction with their jobs." http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-201_162-6056611.html

However, as I've been trying to look on the brighter side of things, I remember that until very recently, I didn't have a job at all. This recession has been hard on a lot of people, and if I may say so as a matter of personal opinion, especially difficult on those students who have just graduated from college. It took 3 months of interning (with no pay) and another 3 months of volunteering at the same location before my boss finally gave in and started paying me full time. Even now, I'm not considered an actual "employee". I have no benefits. No health insurance, no dental insurance, and nothing left to put into savings. If something bad did happen (God forbid) I would be shit out of luck. Still, I am getting paid full-time. I thought it would never happen. I can pay my bills and rent (well sort of). I didn't have to move back in with my parents. I have a purpose every day. And so many people do not- especially in this recession. Many of my friends had to move home straight out of college. Many of them wanted to go to grad school but are afraid that because they don't qualify for FAFSA they will never be able to pay back their college loans. I know that a good percentage of the population out of work isn't students- part of the reason my generation can't find a job is because the baby boomers suddenly realized they can no longer survive off the money they wanted to retire on. Everyone of every age and generation is hurting right now.

This could be me...

But I have a job. It could be so much worse. Every day that I have a job is a good day. It's a day I was blessed by my God. And if I lose this job, at least now I have some work experience to put down on my resumé. God smiled at me when I got out of college. I cried on and off for months in frustration and I finally started getting paid. Once again, every day I have a job is a good day. Every day that I have a job, I am blessed.

Today, I believe because I am employed.

Phineas and Ferb

This may seem lame, but those guys always put a smile on my face. That show is the modern day Rocko's Modern Life and I thought we had seen the end of those awesome 90's cartoons! Remember Doug, Rugrats, Hey Arnold!, Kim Possible? All gone and what's left in their places? Freakin' Hannah Montana and iCarly? What happen to cartoons?! Anyway, Phineas and Ferb. Phineas always has a great attitude. He lives every day to the fullest, is always ready to help others and not only does he not consider it an inconvenience, but as fun. His step-brother, Ferb and step-father, Flynn are from England, showing that two families that were once broken can again find happiness and wholeness. Phineas, Ferb, and Flynn are all scientists, constantly enjoying science's endless possibilities and even trying to make everything "green "as they go. How could you not love two kids that build a bubble that can fly them across town just for the heck of it?

The dry humor and running gags keep the random Monty Python humor of our parents' generation going. Aren't the creators of Phineas and Ferb appealing to an audience that might just be a little too young to truly appreciate these kind of jokes? "Why yes, yes we are!" (If you didn't get that joke it's because you're not watching enough of the show). What's with the giant floating baby head that is never explained or the talking zebra? No other shows do that anymore!

 Perry the platypus/secret agent is so bizarre and yet hilarious itself, that he might be worth watching even without the rest of the characters. "Grrrrawwwwoooowwwwllllll" (Again, if you don't get it, please go watch the show!). Going outside of the norm, the characters do unexpected things instead of following the treand. Dr. Doofenshmirtz (yes, doctor, he got his degree online) may be an evil scientist who is constantly foiled by Perry, but he's also a loving dad. In contrast to most super-hero versus super-hero relationships, Doofenshmirtz occasionally admits that Perry is actually his only real friend and they help each other out (when they're not busy being mortal enemies).

The show looks back on old humor, finds new humor, encourages creativity, love, and enjoying every day that's available to us in this world of endless possibilities. I encourage you that are young and young at heart, to check out Phineas and Ferb. It reminds me that we were given many gifts in this world. It's characters like Phineas that remind me that the world isn't as bad as I think it is and that their might be some power of good looking out for us humans, after all (or its at least try to make us laugh)!

Family Support

I know I could just write a post about family in general, but there's so many good things about family that I choose to break it down into parts.

This post on family is about the support they give in what would otherwise feel like a dark and lonely world. I think we've all had a moment in a group of strangers where we felt misunderstood or outcast. Even if just for a minute. Then you thought, "If that had been my sister, or my dad back there, they would have thought that joke was damn funny!"

When I moved to San Diego to attend the University of CA, San Diego, I had to leave my immediate family behind in Northern CA, but my Aunt Valerie and my Uncle Doug immediately stepped in to help me feel at home. They helped me get step in the dorms, brought me furniture and goodies, invited me over all the time, drove me around town just for the hell of it, and helped me move out at the end of the year. I didn't have to ask, they just did it. They just wanted to, because in my family, that's just what you do. They told me they were proud all the time and that they loved me. Now that I'm graduated, they are still there, trying to help me move to a new part of town, figure out college loans, even teach me guitar.

Today when I went over to visit and pick up my rabbit they were babysitting (yes, they even babysit my pets), my Aunt told me that my cousin, Hayden was having a pretty rough time in boot camp. My family is very proud of him for getting the Air Force, but we all knew it was going to be rough for him in basic training. My Stepfather is veteran of the coastguard, who did not hesitate to tell us (after Hayden was out of the room), "Everyone cries at boot camp." I don't know if this is really true, but it sounds pretty world-shaking to me. My Aunt Becky sent my Aunt Valerie a message saying she had gotten a letter from Hayden that was just "heart-wrenching." In his letter home, he asked for letters from everyone in the family. Hayden never asks for anything, but here he was asking his family for help.

 Hayden and I aren't super tight, we used to be as kids but grow apart as we grew up. But he's a good guy and he's also my cousin. I thought back to when I was a new freshman at UCSD and how lucky I had been to have my Aunt and Uncle just 25 minutes away. Hayden doesn't have that. He's not even allowed to call anyone. When I think about how much I missed my mother and if it would have been like to not be able to call her...that would have been awful. And on top of that, he's going through serious physical conditioning and I'm sure awful mental stress too. I remember the little boy I grew up with. Eager and curious. Smart and stubborn as hell. Well...I went home and wrote that kid a letter. I tried not to be too mushy get I don't wanting him getting beat up at boot camp (or whatever it is they might do to him there, I don't pretend to know). But I wrote him a letter.

Families are an ingenious creation of love. Not all have parents or are even blood related, but the bond and internal instinct we feel to support each other is very real and something of a miracle. I know I never could have gotten into and through college without my Mother, Father, Aunt, and Uncle.

Hayden never asks for help, but in a major life-changing even for him, the people he asked for help from was his family. And he will get his wish, I'm sure of it. We can't be there to physically pick him up off the ground when he falls to the ground at camp, but we can send him our support. I know he'll make it out ok and its just a rough transition for him, but I hope he knows his family and acting through us, a higher power, God is with him. He is not alone as long as he wants us to be there for him.

Unfortunate dude at Air Force Basic Training Camp. 

I believe because my family has supported me and each other through the worst. They are still there today, and they always will be.

Rattlesnakes

As Bill Engvall once said, "A thing that can move with no legs? Now that's the devil right there." I don't know about the devil, but I know that hearing a rattlesnake in the bushes puts the fear of God in me! Fuck that bush, I will definitely pee somewhere else- that bush is all yours, you deadly hose with needs for teeth, springs for muscles, and arsenic for spit. And sidewinders are hell in an elastic band. An elastic band that can move like nothing should!

Well FUCK that shit. But seriously, not only are snakes really freakin' creepy, but they are amazing. That's part of why I'm so damn afraid of them. Now I don't want rattlesnakes eliminated from the planet or anything- I know they play an important part in the ecosystem and all that jazz, but I sure as hell don't want it anywhere NEAR me! And nor does most anything else in the animal kingdom. They are scaly, fast, poisonous, can fit in small spaces, and have slits for eyes...who would WANT to be around one? Only a truly powerful being would intentionally create one of these things to occupy the same space as them. Rattlesnakes actually scare me into believing.

The Horse

It's spring time in Oklahoma and that means baby animals. I was very fortunate yesterday to drive the motor-home into a small town called Buffalo, where a brand-new colt was waiting just past the town sign for me to meet him. The other horses paid me no mind, but that little guy saw me coming and walked right over to the fence to meet me. He was so little! You're probably thinking “Duh” and his mom was probably thinking “thank God” but I just couldn't believe how tiny he was. One of the stable guys walked by and said, “Yep, he's just ten days old. We can't believe how friendly he is.” He was a bit hesitant to let me touch him, but was totally interested in touching and tasting me. He chewed on my hands, nibbled my fingers, rubbed my cheek with his finger-like muzzle. Tried as he could, his little jaw just wasn't strong enough to bite through my skin, but he did lick whatever salt was on my hands off. He did eventually let me rub his muzzle and forehead a bit. He enjoyed having his neck scratched for a few minutes though he clearly didn't get the concept of “petting” yet. Such a baby. He didn't know to be afraid, was too little for treats (he didn't understand why his mommy was so happy to get an apple from me), and fell over when trying to carefully sit down. His tall legs and tiny muscles just weren't strong enough or coordinated enough for him to sit down gracefully and he teetered right over. His eyes were all wide with fear but I just laughed. His mom stiffed him and then snorted as if to say, “Nah, you're fine. Just a little ridiculous.” The colt's little tuft of a tail barely kept the flies off him, but it was so adorable that my mom and I had to take a picture of it. I probably took more pictures of him than anything else on the trip. It was just so cool to play with that little baby. As I've mentioned before, I've never been great with human babies, but with animal babies, I can't be pulled away. I can't believe something so cute could exist. I certainly couldn't have designed something so cute nor do I think any mortal being could.

He was also so big compared to a human baby! Yes, he was tiny compared to his mom, and his back didn't even come up past my hip, but he was so much more sophisticated than a human child. True, he was awkward and teetered about, but human babies take months before they even learn to crawl! While ungainly, he already had the look of an athlete- strong legs, massive hindquarters, square and chiseled face, plump pecks- even as a baby he had a gorgeous, adorable, little body. This little guy could focus on your movement, call for his mommy, walk about, and was even curious of other beings.

Animals have a certain understanding of the world that people just don't get. To them, the viewpoint is pretty simple, but to us, it's complex. The colt and his mom just “got” something about their existence that I will never find. You can see it in their eyes, the way they snort when dismissing something as irrelevant, and the way they turn away from you to get back to their own lives (not at all bothered by the fact that you weren't done with them yet). People might call it ignorance- they're stupid so they're not bothered by what they don't know, but I don't think that's true. I think they already know the answer, so they keep calm and just carry on. Horses especially, seem to have this wisdom and majesty about them. Evolution was kind to the horse. I think God gifted them to us to, not only to use them as tools, but to observe and learn from their gentle demeanor, great power, and intelligence.

The Amber Waves of Grain

As a Californian, it is mighty strange for me to drive by waves and waves of golden grain (yes they're GOLD not amber). In Oklahoma, there are hills of gold further than the eye can see. I know its smaller than I think it is, after all I can drive past a wheat field in less than 5 minutes, but if I stopped the car, got out and just looked as far as I could, I couldn't begin to see where the field ended. Even when I got out binoculars, I still couldn't see the end of it.

The wheat itself really does “wave” like the ocean waters. If you look at it from a distance or from above, you can watch the ripples scatter across the prairie. Even the sound is very ocean-like. The wind is always blowing in Oklahoma (a local told us that since Texas sucks and Kansas blows, its windy in Oklahoma). The kernels and stalks russel and then each other and cause a russeling sound against their neighbors, and like dominoes, soon the whole field is making the ocean rush sound. Its tides rise and fall with the wind that gets faster as the sun heats the ground and then falls to a slow, gentle sweeping when the sun sets again. I know that people with trouble sleeping often listen to white noise music, of which, a popular choice is the waves at the beach. At night here in Oklahoma, with the wind blowing gently, the crickets and locus chirping, I can easily see these fields as another therapeutic choice.

The wheat fields are there simply to be harvested for grain. Bread, BAH. Starring at the sea of gold, its hard to me to imagine it's there to be eaten, or that you'd ever want to just cut it down. It's real beauty is in its natural state- shining, bending, singing in the wind. It's funny that such a simple thing could be so animated, so pretty in its own humble way. I think many people living in big cities will never know what their food really looked like before it was a brown and boring piece of bread. They'll never see the gold waves singing on the prairie. I really see some heavenly work in it. Even though it's subtle. You'd never notice if you weren't by yourself, with minimal noise, the beauty and sense of inner peace it can give you. God sprinkled a glittering, scenic, bountiful food for us that grows out of what would otherwise be a dry, flat dirt. It's hard not believe when you see the beauty in something as simple as a field of grain.

  

Traveling and the Different Skies of the World

I am currently driving the R.V. for my mother and stepfather on a cross-county trip. The pair of them are biking and my job is to be the support vehicle. One of the nice things about driving only a few miles every day (so as not to leave them in the dust) is that I get to explore the country while we cross it. Unfortunately, the section that I got stuck driving for the trip is from the Border of Texas (hot and flat) to the Oklahoma City (hot and flat). While I simply could never understand why anyone would want to live here, I am interested in how different their lives are because of what the world around them looks like.

For one thing, their land may be dusty, dry, and smelly, but the sky is always amazing. In California, we have some beautiful sunsets, especially in San Diego where I have my permanent home. However, we have very consistent weather and our skies always look pretty much the same. It's either bright blue, or cloudy with a chance of light rain. San Diegians freak out when they think it's going to rain at all and if it is raining they always say, “What awful weather!” I grew up in Pollock Pines where if it rained, no one paid much attention because at least it wasn't hailing or snowing. I was born in Arizona where if it rained, it really did rain. It was a monsoon-type storm with warm water and the locals were happy to see it. In San Diego, they have consistently nice weather and don't really seem to get how lucky they are that they don't have to shovel their driveways in the morning just to get to work. Here in Texas, at least during the spring, the weather is still quite warm, but the cloud cover in the evening is quite enchanting. Because of the constant wind on the prairie and the heat rising from the ground, the clouds do little tricks and take strange shapes. Bites of the bottoms of the clouds drag as if raining, and the edges seem to swirl in circles like a calm tornado. I wound up watching the clouds for almost half an hour the first evening I was here, just because they were so different then the quick, flat, fog-like clouds of San Diego.

San Diego Clouds and Sunset

The Sunset too, was quite beautiful. Texas didn't have the deep red colors that I am used to admiring in San Diego, but were a delicious peachy color. Bits of pink streaks against the tan orange. Complicated to explain, but breath-taking to behold.

Now obviously when people think of Texas, they don't think much of the sky. It has many historic sites, is known well for its rodeos, sports, and riffle-happy citizens. But when I think of the sky, I always thought of it as something that we all share- no matter where we go. This is true to some degree, any where in the world we share the same sky, but I never realized how different it would look. Just three states over from my home in California, it behaves so differently. Wind sweeps dust into the air, the clouds are animated and fluffy, the sunsets are peachy and sweet, the stars come out clear and bright (in San Diego the night sky is usually orange from light pollution). This theme is similar to that of the nature theme that I mentioned before, but it reminded me of how vast the world is yet again. It's so complected and diverse, even every couple hundred feet. There really is beauty to be found everywhere, if only in the sky. Even sunset is different, but somehow just as beautiful. You can study them your whole life and still they can surprise you.

Texas Sunset

The power and complexity of the sky seems to have heavenly powers. It's no wonder Christians envisioned it as the place to ascend to once their soul passes from this world. I don't know if that's really true, but I do believe that it took a powerful, all-knowing artist to create something so dazzling and colorful. No human artist or scientist that I know, has been able to copy or explain it in such a way that really does it justice.  

Flying

I am not someone who's especially fond of heights. I trust modern airlines to be safe and I know that it is far safer to travel by air than by car. However, if I was to have a super-power, the ability to fly would not be my first choice.

That being said, I am able on the plane to look out the window and marvel at how quickly the ground below gets so far away when the aircraft takes off. The people, then cars, then some whole buildings vanish from sight. One of the strangest feelings for me is being above the clouds. Looking down on what is meant to be above gives the strange feeling of power- a strange super-natural power. “I shouldn't be able to see this. I shouldn't be able to climb this high,” I always think. I remember as a 5 year old, on my first flight alone being nervous. My stomach would gently turn as the plane took off, shooting like a rocket straight up into the sky. Would we make it? Would the plane level off or would be plummet from an awesome number of feet (the numbers of which my adolescent brain couldn't even count up to) back to the ground at speeds I have never experienced before? Somehow I knew we were save, but it was always a little nerve-wracking and almost fun to pretend that we won't make it.

People were certain for thousands of years, that the human race would never be able to fly. Flying was something only for the birds and the angels. Despite the doubt, the Wright Brothers successfully took off in 1903 from Kitty Hawk, North Carolina to the amazement of the world. Today, we have jets that can flight faster then the speed of sound, rockets that can take us to the moon, and air-travel is considered one of the safest and certainly the speediest way to travel. We thought it couldn't be done, yet here we are.

I know that air-travel is possible thanks to modern science, physics, mathematics, etc. but it's amazing to me still. We are the only species on the planet that can achieve such a feat because it took great bravery and intelligence to create the machine that enables us to do so. I know it's something we take for granted and not general taught of as a miracle, but when every time the plane takes off from the runway, I remember my five-year old mouth dropping in awe. The fact the humans can fly, to me personally, is evidence of higher powers at work. We can fly because humans were given the gift of intelligence. The fact that we can watch a sunset from above the clouds, flying through the clouds raining, and descend peacefully with nothing more than a few minor bumps on the road, is something of a miracle.

Survivors

This subject can be very touchy and it's important to be sensitive and understanding when approaching it. One of the things that makes me believe in a higher, positive being is the fact that people survive horrible, terrible experiences. One argument I hear constantly against why there is no God, is the Holocaust. How could their be a God when such a horrible thing happened? Over 6 million innocent people died. Men, women, husbands and wives, sweethearts, grandmas and grandpas, children and babies, brutally murdered.

I believe that there is some truth to the idea that if such a "God" exists, the creator gave us free will. If life is about loving and learning, then what would be the point of intervening in our free will? What lessons would there be to learn from? Why would be live a life that was easy and truly appreciate the good experiences we have if we had no idea what was bad? The world would have no heroes, and there would never be anything to gain. I can never truly say why such terrible things like divorce, genocide, and heartbreak happen except for that we are here on this Earth to live through it and experience it. I could never compare my life to those of Holocaust survivors, but I do know based on my own personal nightmares of family divorce and being heartbroken that I believe there is a God because I survived. 6 million people died in the Holocaust, but the Jewish race and its faith survived. How could anyone survive such a brutal, unjust, and evil event? Who would want to continue living once surviving it? Yet people did.

"How could the world go back to the way it was, when so much bad had happened? But in the end, its only a passing thing, this shadow. A new day will come, and when the Sun shines it will shine out the clearer," says Tolkien. We don't live to get what we want, we live and fight to survive to protect what's good in this world. And there is some good in it.

I believe because I didn't die when I thought my world was coming to and end and all I wanted was to cease to exist. I believe because I survived. And I believe because through the greatest evil and hatreds the world has ever seen, people survived and found a way to keep living, to keep finding meaning and goodness in their lives. Evil does not rule this world. It will not win and there will always be someone somewhere who will stand against it. In this fact, I truly believe.

The High Points of Nature

My good friend, Jen Smith (Erin Rusmi) is a very unique person. Erin very connected to nature. She loves the ocean, trees, planting her own plants, is a vegetarian and hates killing anything alive including bugs. I have to agree with her on that one, but in any case, this makes her unique individual.

Awww, now look how cute he (or she) is!

Erin is also a Wiccan. I don't think I know anyone else who's a Wiccan. I never had a problem with Wiccans but I do admit I was ignorant about the Wiccan beliefs (I still don't know a lot about it to be honest, for those of you that are curious, here is a website http://www.religioustolerance.org/wic_faq.htm). But after talking to Erin, I do know that she sees evidence of something higher when in the presence of beautiful nature. 

"I don't believe in "God" in the more concrete way that some people do, but I definitely feel like we're all connected and we're a part of something bigger and nature makes me feel that most strongly. I used to climb trees really high and look down and see everything. When we went camping I could see this big beautiful forest. And... I guess that seeing stuff from trees showed a visual of a bigger community I was in or part of, and if God was in heaven or up in the sky s/he would see something like that."

I think we've all been up at a really high point and looked down on the world below. Hiking and coming to the top of a big hill or cliff. Erin felt that being up in the trees, all dirty and covered with ants, as I think she told me, perhaps she felt held aloft by the branches of mother nature. Held up to see the world below. There is such a big world, filled with all kinds of plants, flowers, strange fungus, millions of animals burried deep in the heart of the jungle we haven't even discovered yet. They say the deepest ocean trenches are still undiscovered but yielding new species all the time.

People, for all our advanced brains and research still haven't found out all there is to know about the nature of our little planet. Its vastness and power as well as calm beauty have left us all in awe at some point in our lives. 


If this is something that helps Erin to believe their is/are more powerful beings or spirits or whatever you call it by, I'd say I'd have to agree with her on that. Cheers to mother nature. We couldn't survive without you.

Pets

Maybe not everyone feels the way that I do about my animals, but for those of you who know me well- you know I love dogs. I have always been partial to dogs. I even got the "most likely to steal a puppy" from the UCSD Women's Rugby Team. This is not (altogether) untrue.

One dog in particular was very special to me. This dog, Prince Charming, "Charm" as we called him, was my soul mate pet. If there was ever one dog meant for me, it was that wild dog. He loved me, and me more than anyone. I know because he was there for me when no one else could be. Through my parents divorce he snuggled up to me, while I stared up at the ceiling wondering what was going to happen to my family. When I balled my eyes out because I was failing math, didn't make section leader in band, struck out at the game, or found out I was gay- he didn't care. He could care less in fact. Charm was the most non-judgmental friend I ever had. He listened to everything I had to say, with a quiet thump of tail and sweet, chocolate brown eyes. Charm's boxy, dopey head always pushed itself gently into my chest when I was sad. And he definitely understood how I was feeling, even though I couldn't tell him. He knew if I was happy, bouncing around the room if I whooped and hollered over a funny joke. He never got the joke, he didn't knew why I cried, he didn't understand a lot of things, but he know how I felt and he loved me unconditionally. He may have even saved me from myself.

 There are very few human beings on the planet who ever love other people unconditionally. Our dogs, cats, and horses don't care what color we are. They don't care if you're a guy or a girl. They don't care what God you do or do not worship or who you fantasize about. They love you and treat you the same simply because you show them affection. People tend to think that because humans are the more intelligent creatures, we are the "superior" ones. Those who follow the Bible closely say that God gave Adam the duty of naming and caring for all the animals. However, I think our pets are the ones who are caring for us. We, as people didn't need to domesticate animals. Somewhere along the line of evolution, we chose to keep animals and tame them to live beside us. As companions. As friends. I loved that dog and one thing he taught me is that loving unconditionally is never wrong. We as people could learn a lot from our pets. I know I learned a lot from having that dog. So are we really the superior ones just because we're smarter? Is it really smarter to blow each other up over fear then to just accept each other as we are?

There's a reason that "Dog" spelled backwards is "God." I believe because that dog believed in me and loved me. I am to the person I am today because he was there for me to lend on and I don't think it was just a coincidence. I believe there is something bigger than myself, because my dog was there for me.

Prince Charming (1999- December 2011)

My Mother

I always did think my mother was the smartest women I knew, or at least had the most common sense. As a kid and even as an adult, my mother to me, is amazing.

 My mother and I share a genetic depression. A problem which haunts me every day. Some days are much better than others, but some days, its hard just to get out of bed in the morning. How could a woman who felt so much pain do all the things that my mother has done? She earned the district award in mathematics when she graduated high school, graduated early from college while working a job, got her master's degree in business while raising me, and somehow raised my sister and I after going through a divorce that nearly destroyed us all. I thought I would never see my mother truly happy again, but not only did she survive, she got remarried to a good man and less then a year later on her 50th Birthday, she started a bike trip across America. At 50! I have experienced the same pain that she feels from this depression and I have no idea how she does the things she does every day. Yet even with all she goes through has always been there for me with my problems. And I'm just going to bring this up again because it floors me! Who do you know that can bike across America at the age of 50?! My mother is amazing. If she still believes in a God and can do all the things she does- survived the divorce that nearly killed us all, there has got to be something bigger keeping her going. There must be something good in this world worth living for, fighting for, and striving for. 

This one is for my mother and hopefully for all of you out there who had mothers who loved you and stuck by you no matter how badly you screwed up. I love my mother and I believe because of her.

Happy Mother's Day <3

Left to Right: My Mother, my sister Suzanne, and Me on the Bottom

Newborn Babies

It seems only fitting that the first blog post be about new life since this is a new post. It's also something new that I'm trying to help myself be more positive and sort of "turn over a new leaf," so this is the story and subject that I chose for today:

I asked my mother once what made her believe in a God. She thought about it for bit and then told me, "Babies. When you hold a newborn baby, you know there's a God."

Now I personally am not really a baby person, I seem to exhibit very little to no maternal instinct. However, I can acknowledge some miracle (of sorts) in what my mother said. It's so amazing to see what two people can create (whether on purpose or on accident, lol). From something smaller than the eye can visibly see, comes a new life altogether. This little person will have an effect on the world in which we all live. It doesn't matter how long they inhabit the world, they will have an effect on someone, something, somewhere. Its amazing what is created from just two people being together. Babies tend to also bring and tie people together. Whether this comes from maternal/paternal instincts, lawful reasons, whatever, the world working together is a good thing. And babies are something I'm grateful for.

Introduction

Like many educated people, I have and still do constantly question my beliefs. I was born a Catholic and most of my family is Catholic or at least Christian. When I was a teenager, at the last stage of my Religious Education classes (which would have been Confirmation) my parents split up and much of what had been daily or weekly routine for our family was lost. This included going to mass every Sunday and going to Religious Education classes. Not surprisingly, the split up of my parents and what I felt was the loss of my family caused me to suddenly stop and question my faith. I really don't think it had anything to do with the sudden stop of religious activities, but I do think that I was at the age when people really start to think about what their parents have raised them to believe. I would have been about 12 or 13.

Until then, I really hadn't thought much about the existence of God or what the Church told me in general. I wasn't that I did or did not believe anything. I was a kid, in all honestly, I didn't give a shit. Church and R.E. meant getting dragged away from my precious play time out of school to listen to some fat guy in a dress telling a mass of people to stand, sit, kneel (repeat over and over again) and my parents telling me to be quiet and stop squirming all over the place. From ages 1-13 sitting cooped up in one place and not being able to talk or even understand what's going on for a little over an hour seemed like an eternity in purgatory. (That being said, I also feel sorry for my parents who had to deal with my very stubborn attitude every Sunday for years). So at 13, when my parents split up and everything about my life suddenly changed, I found myself questioning everything as well. I had never felt so out of place in the world. Nothing was as predictable as I taught it was and I felt very alone. It don't blame any one person, divorce tears apart families and the individuals in the process. No more how much I loved my parents and I knew they loved me, it was still hard for me. How could God let such a thing happen to my family? My mother was so heart broken, as I'm sure my father was too. My sister and I couldn't talk without fighting. And quite frankly I had no idea what to do with myself. The routine was broken and suddenly it was up to me to decide what to do every day. I wasn't ready and I didn't know how to handle it. How could God do this to me?

My father told me that he didn't believe in God or the Church anymore and perhaps never did. He had certainly always questioned the existence of any "God" or similar deity in general. This was especially shocking for me as my father had talked with me and my sister many times about how he believed God worked, read from the Bible to us, and prayed with us every night before bedtime. Again, everything I had come to rely upon from a baby was taken away from me.

At the age of 15, I developed very strong feelings for another girl at school. She was a softball player, band kid, and modest, kind person. I adored her but was terrified to come to this realization. Although I would fail to admit it to myself until I was a freshman in college at the age of 19, I was gay. This fact in general, did not have anything to do with my faith, but the people who came to surround me because of it did.

College in general seems to be a time when young adults start to question and challenge everything. Other LGBT people even called me a "traitor" for having an identity that related to that of Catholicism. Every bit of information fed to me in and outside of class told me that there was simply no way to prove that any kind of "God" existed. In fact, there is no sure proof that God does exists, at least not through scientific or educated exploration. Every religion in the world is sure that there God really does exist and that all other religions are wrong.

Still, I believe.

There is a lot that I don't believe in as well. I don't like or believe in a lot of the ideas that the Church I grew up with does. I don't thing the Pope is the boss of me nor anyone else, nor do I think he speaks directly for God. I certainly don't believe at any gender identity or sexual orientation is wrong. I don't believe sex (as long as no one is physically or mentally damaged by it) is wrong. Nor do I think that any higher form of spirit (call it God if you want) thinks that this is wrong either. I don't think that worshiping a "God" no matter what you call it by is wrong. And I don't think this "God" has a gender. I don't think science or any other form of educated study is contradictory nor wrong in the eyes of this God. (This includes ideas about evolution). I do not believe that it is wrong to question existence of yourself, your world, or your God so long as you make an attempt to at least see the possibility of a God in the beauty and goodness of the world. I think questioning everything is a normal part of being a human being.

I DO believe that the Church I grew up with has had some positive influence (yes and many negative and hurtful influences) on the world. The idea that Love is very real and should guide our every action seems to be agreed upon world-over (although their are unfortunately many hypocrites in the world). Karma, kindness, love, fate, destiny, whatever you want to call it, I do believe that acting out of a kind or positive mind set has a REAL and positive impact on the world around us. For me, I believe that God in the simplest terms is love. I believe that love comes from understanding the world around us. If you can understand, you can sympathize/emphasize, harmonize, and work with instead of against the world around you. I believe that this "God" does in fact, love everyone and everything he created and so I try to tread lightly, whenever possible, on the Earth on which I have been placed. I believe that fear in something come from a lack of understanding something, which just like me, is here for a reason, keeping the balance in place, and that I should try to understand it, instead of get rid of or distance myself from it.

 I accept that other people will not accept what I believe. And I am willing to hear what they have to say, so long as it is said in a kind manner and with an open mind. I doubt it will change my mind or theirs, but as I said before- understanding others is important. I doubt any one individual with ever agree completely with another individual's beliefs, even if they love each other immensely and practice the same faith.

All that being said, this blog really isn't for debates about the existence of God or a particular God over others (sorry to disappoint). This blog is for a daily reflection. To take a moment every day to look over the world in which I/we exist and see some good in it. See that a "God" whatever that God is has had a hand in it. That there is some kind of grand design or planning that went into the world. In the beauty that does exist. There is beauty in everything, you just have to look from many different angles to see it.

 To quote my favorite character, Samwise Gamgee, from my favorite movie series, "The Lord of the Rings":
"There is some good in this world. And it's worth fighting for!"

I am going to post something good I see every day, something that makes me believe in a higher being, grand plan, in short "God". I am open to suggestions as well.

So I ask you, what makes you believe?