Pride Parade

Drag queens, ass-less chaps, rainbow flags, oh my!

What I love about the Pride Parade (at least the one in San Diego since I have not yet had the privilege of attending San Francisco Pride) is that there are so many different kinds of supporters there. Straight people, gay guys, gay girls, churches who support the rights, corporations who support gay rights, drag queens, drag kings, transgender peoples, asexuals (which wordpress refuses to accept as a real word),  pansexuals, university groups, everyone is there! Not everyone there believes in the same things or that our fight should be won in the same way, but we put it aside for Pride. Solidarity is important because history has shown us over and over again that their is strength in numbers. So we come together every year to show we're queer and we don't care what the rest of the world really thinks of us. We want our rights and we won't give up!

Things are getting better. The government repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell, so the Armed Forces also joined us in uniform for the first time. I believe they have a lot to be proud of and I'm pleased that events like this are happening in my lifetime. With the consistent overturn of Proposition 8 in the courts, I believe its only a matter of time until anyone can marry the person they love without legal interference. It may still be years until the courts enforce it, but it's happening. LGBT rights will never be perfect, but I have to admit that I never did think a President, even Obama would risk their political careers so greatly by publicly announcing that he supports gay marriage rights. I didn't think he would do it, I didn't believe. It shows that things really are changing, and Pride was an excellent way for me to celebrate and to show the forces of this world, that I am thankful for it.

Stay together, be strong and keep believing that good things happen San Diego! Maybe there really is something bigger looking out for all of us (no matter how small the minority). It could all be a coincidence, but I still believe their is love and justice in the world. You can't "hate" that way!

Wicked

When I was in high school, things were pretty rough. My parents got divorced, realized I was gay, and couldn't give myself any slack because I was a perfectionist. To be honest, I was very close to hating myself. Sometimes I felt like I did. But it would have been unfair of me not to try to survive and do my best to thrive because I loved my family. I knew my family loved and needed me. It would have been selfish to let myself go. I felt trapped in a life that could never get any better. There were a small handful of things that helped pull me out of that state, but one big one was Wicked.

Elphaba was up against some of the worst prejudice. Simply because she was born green, people were afraid of and hated her. This is highly suggestive of the historical prejudice that "colored" people faced all over the world. Being "green" somehow made her less then human- a "witch" even. A "wicked witch." People were so blinded by their fears of someone who looked different that they grew to believe crazy lies like she would MELT if water touched her skin. Society tried not to let her become empowered, her father tried to keep her out of school. Her school found her and her abilities "exotic" and powerful so they tried to take advantage of her. No matter what way she turned, people treated her badly. But she never gave up. In fact, she didn't give a shit what anyone said. That is not to say that her feelings weren't hurt, but that she never believed what they said about her and she aimed for high goals. No one and nothing would stop her.

"Something has changed within me, something is not the same...I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game..."
"I'm through excepting limits, because someone says there's so! Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know!"
"It's time to try defying gravity! Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity and you can't pull me down!"
"So If you care to find me look to the western sky! As someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly!"
"And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying FREE!"
"To those who'd ground me, take a message back from me:
Tell them how I am DEFYING GRAVITY! I'm flying high DEFYING GRAVITY!"

It don't matter to her if she lost everything she had, she was going to stand up to the people who she knew were doing evil things - not just to her, but to others who couldn't stand up for themselves. She knew she would have to do it alone, but she didn't even hesitate to make the right choice.

Like Elphaba, I felt very much alone and like a freak. No one I knew was gay and I was ashamed to tell my family. My family, who had so recently fallen apart. What if they couldn't handle it? Or what if they believed I was making the wrong choice? I did everything I could think of to "shake off the gay", but it was clear that it was NOT going to go away. I also had a very strong sense of justice and strong work ethic. If other people screwed around in band, I was quick to let them know that wasn't going to "fly" with me (pun intended). I was called a witch, a bitch, and the most painful was...dyke. I wasn't even out to myself let alone others and the frightful day when a red-neck boy called me so in front of the rest of the band, I thought for sure he was going to get a knuckle-sandwich. Somehow, I kept myself together. I decided that I would continue to fight for what I believed in even if it meant everyone hated me. This was a complete exaggeration but I was a teenager and very confused. Finally, I realized that even my powerful idol, Elphaba was not invincible.

"I'm limited...just look at me. I'm limited. And just look at you, you can do all I couldn't do, Glinda."

I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn't fight the rest of the world by myself, nor could I continue to fight my own feelings. I couldn't throw my hopes and need for love and affection aside no matter how much I wished I could. I was human. The best I could do was to accept that those who would inevitably do or say evil things against me and forgive them. Forgive those of my family or friends who loved me but couldn't accept that I was gay. I couldn't fight it anymore and I couldn't lie to myself. I was weak with my own hatred of the way that I was and I needed to heal.

"Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder half way through the wood,
Who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you...I have been changed for good."

Even those who had or would be cruel to me had changed me for the better. They made me stronger and they forced me to face and forgive myself. It wasn't my fault. I couldn't change it because lord knews I tried, and I didn't have to. How could loving someone else be wrong? In a world full of so much hatred, how could loving someone, no matter who it was, be a bad thing? As long as I wasn't like those prejudice bigots that I knew were behaving maliciously out of fear and stupidity, I was ok. I was free to be myself for the first time in my life, I didn't have to hide or be afraid that someone would know how I really felt.

I also learned that my greatest enemy in all of this, had been myself. I faced some bullies and found that not all my friends or family accepted this part of me, but in general, I was very lucky. My mother, father, and sister all loved me regardless and were fine with this part of me. I would have really died inside without their support. The only person I actually truly cared about who hated me for who I was...was me. Once I forgave myself, I was able to face the few enemies I had more courageously.

Wicked helped me in three ways. First, it gave me someone to identify with. Elphaba felt like a freak and as much as she told herself that nothing was wrong and the way people felt didn't bother her, it actually did. The second way in which it helped was giving me the gift of "Defying Gravity". Elphaba was hurt, but it didn't stop her from being strong and doing what was right. She threw everything right back into the face of her enemies.   I never would have made it without her words of power and action. Lastly, Elphaba's admittance that she really was "limited" and needed to accept the help of others helped me to realize that I too was not invincible.  I needed my Mother. I needed my Daddy and my grandparents and my Sister to love and help me accept who I was. Which they did. I believe in the emotional powers of Wicked and I believe in faith, love, and survival because of what Elphaba taught me.

Wicked changed me, for good.

I'm going to sign off with one of Elphaba's messages-

"So if you care to find me, look to the Western sky, as someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly! And if I'm flying solo at least I'm flying free, to those who'd ground me take a message back from me: Tell them how I am Defying Gravity!"

Recovering from being Sick

I don't mean from something really serious, but that does happen. I just mean from having something like a wicked flu. I've been unlucky the last few months. I've had the flu, had a bad reaction to a prescription, and had an infection in a cyst buried deep under my skin. None of these things were my fault. I did everything right but I was still sick. When I was having side effects from the prescription, my bad pounded, my eyes were blurry, I felt dizzy and nauseous, and disoriented. I was even having problems with simple memories. When sick sometimes we hurt so much that we almost wish we were dead. I just wanted the pain to stop so bad. I just got so damn tired of fighting it. You just want it to stop. It seems like it will never end...

But it does. It really does go away. Just days later- it all disappears. Its like it never happened. I'm back to my old self. It's strange, where did the pain all go? Not that I miss it, not at all. But I feel almost, suspicious... that something that had so much power over my body could just leave without a trace.

Our bodies have amazing abilities. No matter how sick we feel, or drained of energy, it is possible to overcome. Our bodies are a great work of art and engineering. But our minds and souls are stronger. If we can will then to survive, our bodies recover. I have always believed that there are circumstances under which we are given a choice- a choice to live or die. Sometimes there is too much life left in us, and we can fight death. But sometimes we are simply, done. For the eternal amount of experience that life offers, no human being can handle all of it. Our bodies are limited as is even our souls perhaps? I believe that evolution did a marvelous job on our bodies. And I think God created evolution so that our bodies could evolve to the best they were able to. This includes our minds. We evolved to work together, to love each other because it was the best chance of survival we had. To work together. 

But back to the part about being healthy again. Having been recently sick and having recovered, the fact that we can bounce back from such a loss of control, helps me to believe that there is something grandeur looking out for us. Something that evolved us to be able to heal thousands of years ago. Its been looking out for us, for a long time.

The Lion King

First, I'm going to acknowledge that it's a bit strange that a movie that takes place in Africa has so much Christian overtones. I admit that I know nothing about any African religions (and I know there are many). But I happen to see a lot of Christian ideas in the movie. I guess you could make the argument that the movie focuses on animals and who knows what they believe anyway? That said, I'm going to simply appreciate what it does for me personally, even though it most likely does not reflect African culture. I'm going to try not to see the religious ideas in it as "Christian" but more as simply suggestive that everything in the world is connected, life never really ends, and that goodness can exist even in the darkest moments.


"Everything you see, exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance, and respect all the creatures, from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope." Obviously, no ruler, be they king or president of a democracy, can follow this to the letter, but it is important that Mufasa kept this in mind. "When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so, we are all connected in the great circle of life." When I put this into human perspective, I think of it as no person is better, stronger, or more deserving than anyone else on this planet. It is impossible for us not to judge each other, but if we must be imperfect, then we must do our best to do so with an open mind and respect each other the best that we can. I wonder if Mufasa's treatment of Zazoo was a fair one- allowing Simba to use him as target practice- or if it was wrong to exile the hyenas from the "pride lands" (land of plenty). Those things didn't really seem "right" to me, but he did at least realize that everyone was connected and important in the grand scheme. Even his food, he believed was to be respected for they would one day trod upon the ground where he was laid to rest. Scar, on the other hand completely destroyed the land that had given him life. His blatant disrespect for the animals that he ate and the plants that fed the food he consumed destroyed everything. Not just for his royal subjects, but for himself. The land became hard, gray, and devoid of happiness. Whether or not there really are higher beings "Great kings of the past, looking down on us" it was clear that that kind of disrespect for life, destroyed life for everyone and so it was wrong. It took the return of a flawed, but humble king to return the land to its former state. 


Simba was obviously not perfect either, but his humbled self allowed him to be kinder to others and the land, which eventually returned to its healthy state. The evil that seemed to have crushed any and all life from the savanna, returned. It shows that love and consideration for others creates a better life for everyone. It's not a perfect life, but that doesn't mean we should give up because the difference that a little respect could make was huge. I believe these same principals apply to our real, human lives. 


Simba could not see this vast difference at first. It took the reminding of his friends and his father to bring him back to the land of his birth to where he could literally "see" the evil that plagued the land. All that once was bountiful and beautiful was desolate and gray. He also forgot that you can't turn your back on the rest of the world simply because you are conveniently taken care of, because the world is a part of you. "Simba, you have forgotten me...You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself Simba, you are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the circle of life."

 The movie reminds us that even when we mess up, it is not the end. And we are never alone. Love is with us. 
"How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be," Simba says to his father but his father responds, "You are my son. And the one true king." 
We all make mistakes and sometimes we turn our backs on others for the sake of ourselves, but that doesn't mean we can't go back. There is always hope and love is always on your side. It doesn't mean that you will necessarily get exactly what you want in the end, but at least you are never alone. Simba felt that when his father died, it was not only his fault, but that he had lost the thing he cared most for in the world.
"That's not my father, that's just my reflection-" "No!" Raffiki cuts him off, "Look harder...you see? He lives in you."
Sometimes we lose the people we love in the physical world. This does not mean everything you loved about them is gone. If you still love them, a piece of them remains. I don't mean this metaphorically- your love for them is still real and hasn't died and that was apart of who they were. Nothing affects people and their actions more than being loved. Therefore, Simba's love of his father, kept a piece of Mufasa on the earth with him. The ones we love are kept alive so long as we don't forget the things they stood for, especially those things they upheld for love's sake. Keep those ideas alive, and you have not lost them. Keep those ideas alive and they are never gone from our lives.

"Look kid, bad things happen and you can't do anything about it right? WRONG." No really, wrong. Sorry Timone, but there is always something you can do.

Don't run from your past. Don't run or turn your back on the world and the people you love. Remember that everyone is connected, in some way or another. Even your loving someone positively affects even the people you most dislike in your life. It is always better to love and show respect for those around you. This includes even the different beings of creation and not just people, "from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope," every bug and every tree "breathes" in a sense.

Disney movies get a lot of criticism from feminists and racial activists and I just wanted so say, that while this movie certainly far from perfect, it is not the "Scar" of our children's entertainment experiences, it is the "Mufasa." The Lion King is one such movie that teaches us to love everyone and very thing, to not be jealous of what we do not have (like the greedy Scar) but to live our lives happily (like Timone and Pumba) and do the best we can to survive with the help of those we love (as Simba did with his father), while respecting those who also inhabit our area.

I believe that love lives within all of us and we can choose to embrace it and use it for good. The Lion King inspired me as a child and made me believe in the power of kindness and love. I think it helped me grow up to be a better person than I would have without it.