After Surgery

Two weeks ago, I started to feel excruciating pain after being sick for 4 days straight. What I thought was the flu, turned into terrible, unbearable lower abdominal pain. I went to the doctor in the morning, who told me they weren't sure what was wrong, gave me a shot for the pain and sent me home. The pain came back even worse than it had been that morning and I found myself in the E.R. at Kaiser. What scared me the most is the fact that I had been to the E.R. some two years before for terrible abdominal pain and the E.R. had shrugged it off as "a stomach ache." Last time, I waited 4 hours in the waiting room before being admitted. This time, I was taken right away (probably because I was having trouble standing at that point). I won't lie, I was in the most pain I've ever been in - in all of my short 23 years of living. While the doctor still didn't know what was wrong with me this time, he did offer to do a CAT scan. It's not something they like to do unnecessarily, especially on young people, but after the morphine wore off and the pain came back as strong as ever, they decided to give it a shot. What they found was fluid and irritation around my gallbladder and other evidence that my liver too was suffering. They sent me for an ultrasound and discovered that I had gallstones. One (according to the doctor) was at least half an inch in size (apparently that's a pretty good-sized gallstone). The doctor said that he recommended removing the gallbladder entirely, or risk being in pain longer and the gallstones either not passing or simply coming back. I opted to have it removed. My grandfather left me at the E.R. to pick up my mother, who flew down to stay with me while I had my surgery and stayed in the hospital. The surgery was about an hour and a half (if I remember correctly) and went fine. It's not a risky procedure but it is pretty unusual for someone my age to have gallstones or gallbladder removal. The whole producer was fairly uncomfortable, but I will say that I was on drugs for most of it so I can only say it could have been far worse. Morphine is my friend (my friend who makes me nauseous). 

I'm extremely grateful to the doctors AND nurses who were so kind to me. While it was not a difficult surgery it was still scary for me and I'm glad that I had so many people around me to help me get through it as painlessly as possible. It's a humbling experience that not only makes me realize how fragile my life is, but how lucky I am. I got health insurance just a month ago. I never would have been able to afford these expenses otherwise. I don't think it's a coincidence. I have a loving family who did everything they could to be there for me. My Father, Sister, Grandmother, and even Godmother all called me to say that they loved me and everything was going to be ok. My Mom flew down from Placerville and stayed with me for several days even when I got out of the hospital. Many of my friends from rugby and band and everywhere posted on my Facebook to show their support. My friends from work at the Symphony had flowers and a card delivered to my apartment. I am so privileged to know the people I know. I feel blessed by my God. I wasn't alone. 

I also noticed how much I've grown in just the past couple of years. If this had happened to me just a few years ago, I would have flipped out. It's true that I was scared and nervous, but when I found out I had to have surgery I was far less afraid then 20 year old Alana would have been. I believe God really does give us the ability to evolve. I have grown and become stronger. Sometimes I'm not always sure people change for the better but for this event in my life, it was definitely for the better. I was able to handle myself pretty well and act like an adult (and I maintain that I acted like an adult even though I cried after my Mom went home - adults cry too ok!). 

I thank the higher being today that I was not only so taken care of, but that I was able to see how much I've grown in this life. 

"House M.D."

Today I finished watching the last episode of "House M.D." I know the rest of you are probably thinking, "Uh where have you been?! 'House' has been over for months!" but I've been MIA. The show reminded me too much of someone that I used to know and it got too painful after a while to watch, but I'm glad that I came back to it.

Now, another question some of you might be asking is "Why in the world would you decide to talk about 'House' on a blog about believing in God?" It's true, the character of House is a strong atheist. He believes God is a made-up character designed to either justify the power of the church or to make people feel better about living in a harsh world (or what he considers to be a harsh world). For some people, either or both of these scenarios could be true, but the reason I picked this show is because for all House's religion bashing and seemingly infinite wisdom, there are still things he finds himself unable to explain and he still cannot hide his humanity.

A majority of the time, House is a very selfish character. While most people become doctors to help other be well (or for the money), House does it simply because it makes him feel powerful to solve complicated health issues. God knows that Greg House tries very hard to maintain this image too. He often makes fun of or pull pranks on people for no reason whatsoever, simply to keep his image as a hard, shrewd, but necessary doctor at Princeton Plansboro Hospital. I would argue however, that a good amount of the time his actions are also in favor of others. He has a very strange way of doing it, but the actions do help others. They are often motivated by his own selfish needs- he wants his doctors to be the best they can be, but only because then they are of greatest use to him. But he also knows that all the doctors will eventually leave him to move onto better things, and he can't argue that this is good for him because it means finding replacements and he abhors this task. Every time he's forced to find a new person, he is frustrated and puts it off until the last minute. He does care about his doctors and he often makes connections with his patients, despite his best effort not to. It shows that while he is not an easy man to find the goodness in, he simply cannot help it. Despite his efforts to put others down, he winds up helping them. His relationship with others always results in more goodness than wrong.

 I believe this is simply the way we as a people are engineered. People are selfish to survive, but they are also good. No matter what terrible thing they do to someone else, some good always does come of it. Even war, one of the most terrible of events in human history, teaches us how precious peace is, and how fragile and important all human life is. This lesson is especially apparent in House's New Jersey Hospital, where death is everywhere, frequent, and threatening. House didn't just save lives. He saved souls and changed lives for the better, even when some of his patients died. You couldn't meet House without being significantly changed. And I also believe that you couldn't meet House without in some ways meeting Hugh Laurie and David Shore who are real people. The character of House is fictional, but remember that the ideas come from reality and from the minds of people who are real. Therefore, House in a way, is a real person.

"Everybody lies" House tells us, but I don't thing that the idea that there could be a God is a lie. House helped me to grow up and far from forcing me to doubt my belief in God, he strengthened it, because I was forced to question more then ever what is true and logical. The end result is that I still see a God. I still see a life worth living. For all House's misery, what a fascinating life he had, that we all have to live. Life isn't about happiness or avoiding pain. It's about solving lots of little mysteries over a long period of time. It's about experience and learning, and House really captures this for me. Best of luck to Hugh Laurie, David Shore, and all the actors and crew members of "House M.D." You made a difference in my life, and you make me believe.

"So Dear to My Heart"

This is a much less-known Disney movie and often overlooked in terms of importance. I understand that a lot of the older Disney movies, especially the ones that were not cartoons like "the Swiss Family Robinson" have been forgotten. Yet, this movie really speaks to me personally.

Those of you that have read my blog post on "Pets" know how very special my dog, Charm was to me. He was my absolute, best friend in high school, which may have been one of the most difficult times in my life. Charm however, was not a favorite of everyone he met. While he loved me, he was not always great with strangers and he definitely didn't play well with other dogs. I can't tell you how many times people told me to get rid of him. Years after my dog had gotten into a small scrap with another friend of the family's dog, the lady said casually to me, "So you did finally get rid of the dog, right?" When I replied, no- that we had found other ways of taking care of the problem, she said, "Well you should have, that dog was a nuisance!" There are few times I have been angrier and had to be quiet at the same time, in my entire life. I loved that dog, maybe more than any person in the world at that point. Taking that dog away would have been terrible for me, but some people only care about their stupid, quiet, clean, boring lives to deal with anything that's different or requires an open mind.

"So Dear to My Heart" is about a boy named Jeremiah Kincaid who dreams of owning a champion race horse until one day when the lambs are born in his grandmother's barn. He meets Danny, a small and unfortunately, black lamb. Danny's mother rejects him because of his color and Jeremiah's heart swells with pity and compassion for the little sheep. Although his grandmother immediately tells him that black sheep are a nuisance and useless because black wool is undesirable, Jeremiah takes the lamb in as a pet. Trading in his dream to own a championship horse, Jeremiah decides to prove to everyone who laughed at Danny that his lamb is worth something by planning to take the lamb to the county fair. If the lamb can win a blue ribbon and cash prize, he'll be the talk of the town! But Danny proves to be a difficult pet to have. He is strong and bull-headed, constantly causes damage to everything he comes across and is an escape artist to boot. Jeremiah never gives up on the lamb. He fixes everything the lamb breaks, searches through the dangerous swamps for wild honey to fund his county fair trip, and stays out in the woods for hours after the lamb runs away one night while its pouring rain. His grandmother tries time and time again to get rid of the lamb but she just can't do it. Jeremiah loves the lamb so much, that one night after a particularly bad incident, she finds him asleep in the barn with his arm around the lamb. 

The lamb means everything to the boy. In the end, Jeremiah takes the lamb to the fair and although the lamb does not win the blue ribbon, he wins a special award for merit and as the judge calls it, "real spirit." Jeremiah believes this event changed him for the rest of his life and I believe Charm changed mine too. 

This movie is one of the first I've seen that shows that animals, as well as people can have a good deal of unfair prejudice against them, but it does NOT mean that they do not have worth. Charm would never hurt an innocent person. He was great with babies and incredibly patient, yet people avoided him on the sidewalk because he was a pitbull. People told Jeremiah over and over that his lamb was an ugly, obnoxious, nuisance, and a waste of time, but Jeremiah saw the beauty in the small, unfortunate little sheep and loved him for who he was. In return, I imagine that this experience with Danny helped Jeremiah to grow up to become a very kind and determined young man. This story teaches us to never give up on the ones we love and to follow our dreams no matter how bad things seem. "True love is good for the soul" Granny tells Jeremiah and it doesn't matter that the thing he loved was a sheep. This movie makes me believe in a higher power because it touches my soul and reminds me that I am not alone in my belief that simply because a creature is less intelligent then a person, does not mean that it does not have worth. And this makes me feel stronger.

The movie may not be popular, but just as Danny was unpopular and loved never the less by Jeremiah, this movie will always be special to me. It will always be, "So Dear to My Heart."

Bikers Baby!

And no, I don't mean the guys with leather that have a motor under the hood, although I'm sure those motorcyclers are nice too. Here are some pictures for clarification:

Cool Bike

"Cool" Bike

I mean the people who wear the dorky, hardcore spandex and the plastic buckle helmets.

Like these Guys...note the packages...

 As someone who has been an athlete most of her life, I don't know how these people do it. Just watching the bicyclists on the Olympics or even just the students on the UCSD bike club makes me uncomfortable. First of all, I have a latex sensitivity so I would itch like mad, plus my body type doesn't really lend itself to a one-piece tight suit. But seriously, these guys have to be on their bikes ALL DAMN DAY to really get good at it. I could barely make it to school from just a couple of blocks away (damn you VA Hospital Hill)! I've never had the endurance to be a biker and the few times that I tried to make it a routine failed badly. I simply couldn't get better fast enough to stick with it. Yet these Olympic athletes will bike ALL DAY (yes, I said it again because it's ridiculous). It's probably one of the few Olympic sports were the athlete's event literally takes HOURS. You have to leave and come back later to find out the results!

My Mother and Stepfather trained all last year and then did an across-the-country bike trip from Spring-Summer this year. It took an amazing amount of planning and training. I can't believe they could really do something like that, but they made it! Biked the whole way! The sore muscles! My God, I can only image! It's no wonder that bikers have the lean muscle and trim bodies that they do! Hats or rather, helmets off to my Mom and Step-Dad! (To read more about their adventure, click here: http://wolfesride.blogspot.com/)

It's no small feat that human possess the mental fortitude to keep going and the muscle power to keep pedaling that far! I image that while we can do so much on our own, we must get some help from an outside power. A power to push through the pain and transform our bodies into serious machines. Bad-ass bikers make me believe in a greater, stronger power!

Beginnings

Change was never easy for me. As a child (and sometimes still as an adult) my mother called me a worry-wart. Every time I moved up a grade or had to take a test, I would bite my nails and sweat it out. Mom was always telling me to relax. She once got me these little "worry people" made of wood that live in a little, tiny bag under your pillow to help take away some of the fear. It was really just a cute gesture, but I still have them under my pillow.

This last week was all about new things and starting over for me. Not all of it was by choice- my good friend and apartment mate of two years graduated and moved away. I was sad to see him go and nervous to find new people to live with, but I did. My new apartment mates are good people too and I'm sure that in no time I'll be settled in.

I also got a new job! I'm in the same location, working with the same people that I like, but now I have permanent status and benefits! That means this year when I play rugby, I won't have to be so concerned about how to pay for health insurance (or when I get sick)! It means a pay increase and added responsibilities. I had to interview with the CEO, which was terrifying for me. The man has worked on the same, small floor with me for a year and never said a word to me so I was intimidated. I could barely sleep the two nights before the interview. But as my good friend and coach told me, "He's just a person" and he really was "just a person." In fact, he was pretty easy to talk to!

It's a new year and a new rugby season as well. Not only will I have health benefits and a pay increase to help me pay my dues, but I will have a changed body. I am still one of the slower girls on the team, but I have improved from last year and my attitude is stronger, which is very important! This year, I want to have fun! And stop comparing myself so much to others. I play rugby because I think it's the most fun sport I could possibly play and because I believe it's healthy for me, so why waste my time worry about how everyone else is doing?

I believe that all the new things, people, places in life are very important for you to experience if you are to grow. We cannot change and evolve ourselves if everything is static. It was easier to believe once I just stopped freaking out so much. I'm sure I'll always be nervous about new experiences, who wouldn't be? I've come to realize that by allowing it to scare you, it then rules your entire experience, and it was never worth being so stressed out about so really you just wasted your time. Looking at it positively can save you a lot of heartache, and I'm fairly certain that on both a mental and even physical level, it's much healthier for you. It was a lesson that took me a very long time to learn and I may never fully realize it. However, I do believe in the power of a positive mind and that change is a gift. I trust that whatever life throws at me is necessary, whether or not it makes me happy initially. I believe that positivity and new beginnings were a gift left to us by the creator, otherwise life would be static and boring. We just have to decide to use the gifts left to us and believe that we have it within ourselves to adapt. Believe you have the power!

New Beginnings make me believe that maybe I can do this just a little bit longer! That there is more to life then I have seen - better things! Better things that I WILL see!

"Spears shall be shaken! Shields Shall be splintered! A sword day! A red day! THEN THE SUN RISES!" -Aragorn, The Return of the King

Pride Parade

Drag queens, ass-less chaps, rainbow flags, oh my!

What I love about the Pride Parade (at least the one in San Diego since I have not yet had the privilege of attending San Francisco Pride) is that there are so many different kinds of supporters there. Straight people, gay guys, gay girls, churches who support the rights, corporations who support gay rights, drag queens, drag kings, transgender peoples, asexuals (which wordpress refuses to accept as a real word),  pansexuals, university groups, everyone is there! Not everyone there believes in the same things or that our fight should be won in the same way, but we put it aside for Pride. Solidarity is important because history has shown us over and over again that their is strength in numbers. So we come together every year to show we're queer and we don't care what the rest of the world really thinks of us. We want our rights and we won't give up!

Things are getting better. The government repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell, so the Armed Forces also joined us in uniform for the first time. I believe they have a lot to be proud of and I'm pleased that events like this are happening in my lifetime. With the consistent overturn of Proposition 8 in the courts, I believe its only a matter of time until anyone can marry the person they love without legal interference. It may still be years until the courts enforce it, but it's happening. LGBT rights will never be perfect, but I have to admit that I never did think a President, even Obama would risk their political careers so greatly by publicly announcing that he supports gay marriage rights. I didn't think he would do it, I didn't believe. It shows that things really are changing, and Pride was an excellent way for me to celebrate and to show the forces of this world, that I am thankful for it.

Stay together, be strong and keep believing that good things happen San Diego! Maybe there really is something bigger looking out for all of us (no matter how small the minority). It could all be a coincidence, but I still believe their is love and justice in the world. You can't "hate" that way!

Wicked

When I was in high school, things were pretty rough. My parents got divorced, realized I was gay, and couldn't give myself any slack because I was a perfectionist. To be honest, I was very close to hating myself. Sometimes I felt like I did. But it would have been unfair of me not to try to survive and do my best to thrive because I loved my family. I knew my family loved and needed me. It would have been selfish to let myself go. I felt trapped in a life that could never get any better. There were a small handful of things that helped pull me out of that state, but one big one was Wicked.

Elphaba was up against some of the worst prejudice. Simply because she was born green, people were afraid of and hated her. This is highly suggestive of the historical prejudice that "colored" people faced all over the world. Being "green" somehow made her less then human- a "witch" even. A "wicked witch." People were so blinded by their fears of someone who looked different that they grew to believe crazy lies like she would MELT if water touched her skin. Society tried not to let her become empowered, her father tried to keep her out of school. Her school found her and her abilities "exotic" and powerful so they tried to take advantage of her. No matter what way she turned, people treated her badly. But she never gave up. In fact, she didn't give a shit what anyone said. That is not to say that her feelings weren't hurt, but that she never believed what they said about her and she aimed for high goals. No one and nothing would stop her.

"Something has changed within me, something is not the same...I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game..."
"I'm through excepting limits, because someone says there's so! Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know!"
"It's time to try defying gravity! Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity and you can't pull me down!"
"So If you care to find me look to the western sky! As someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly!"
"And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying FREE!"
"To those who'd ground me, take a message back from me:
Tell them how I am DEFYING GRAVITY! I'm flying high DEFYING GRAVITY!"

It don't matter to her if she lost everything she had, she was going to stand up to the people who she knew were doing evil things - not just to her, but to others who couldn't stand up for themselves. She knew she would have to do it alone, but she didn't even hesitate to make the right choice.

Like Elphaba, I felt very much alone and like a freak. No one I knew was gay and I was ashamed to tell my family. My family, who had so recently fallen apart. What if they couldn't handle it? Or what if they believed I was making the wrong choice? I did everything I could think of to "shake off the gay", but it was clear that it was NOT going to go away. I also had a very strong sense of justice and strong work ethic. If other people screwed around in band, I was quick to let them know that wasn't going to "fly" with me (pun intended). I was called a witch, a bitch, and the most painful was...dyke. I wasn't even out to myself let alone others and the frightful day when a red-neck boy called me so in front of the rest of the band, I thought for sure he was going to get a knuckle-sandwich. Somehow, I kept myself together. I decided that I would continue to fight for what I believed in even if it meant everyone hated me. This was a complete exaggeration but I was a teenager and very confused. Finally, I realized that even my powerful idol, Elphaba was not invincible.

"I'm limited...just look at me. I'm limited. And just look at you, you can do all I couldn't do, Glinda."

I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn't fight the rest of the world by myself, nor could I continue to fight my own feelings. I couldn't throw my hopes and need for love and affection aside no matter how much I wished I could. I was human. The best I could do was to accept that those who would inevitably do or say evil things against me and forgive them. Forgive those of my family or friends who loved me but couldn't accept that I was gay. I couldn't fight it anymore and I couldn't lie to myself. I was weak with my own hatred of the way that I was and I needed to heal.

"Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder half way through the wood,
Who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you...I have been changed for good."

Even those who had or would be cruel to me had changed me for the better. They made me stronger and they forced me to face and forgive myself. It wasn't my fault. I couldn't change it because lord knews I tried, and I didn't have to. How could loving someone else be wrong? In a world full of so much hatred, how could loving someone, no matter who it was, be a bad thing? As long as I wasn't like those prejudice bigots that I knew were behaving maliciously out of fear and stupidity, I was ok. I was free to be myself for the first time in my life, I didn't have to hide or be afraid that someone would know how I really felt.

I also learned that my greatest enemy in all of this, had been myself. I faced some bullies and found that not all my friends or family accepted this part of me, but in general, I was very lucky. My mother, father, and sister all loved me regardless and were fine with this part of me. I would have really died inside without their support. The only person I actually truly cared about who hated me for who I was...was me. Once I forgave myself, I was able to face the few enemies I had more courageously.

Wicked helped me in three ways. First, it gave me someone to identify with. Elphaba felt like a freak and as much as she told herself that nothing was wrong and the way people felt didn't bother her, it actually did. The second way in which it helped was giving me the gift of "Defying Gravity". Elphaba was hurt, but it didn't stop her from being strong and doing what was right. She threw everything right back into the face of her enemies.   I never would have made it without her words of power and action. Lastly, Elphaba's admittance that she really was "limited" and needed to accept the help of others helped me to realize that I too was not invincible.  I needed my Mother. I needed my Daddy and my grandparents and my Sister to love and help me accept who I was. Which they did. I believe in the emotional powers of Wicked and I believe in faith, love, and survival because of what Elphaba taught me.

Wicked changed me, for good.

I'm going to sign off with one of Elphaba's messages-

"So if you care to find me, look to the Western sky, as someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly! And if I'm flying solo at least I'm flying free, to those who'd ground me take a message back from me: Tell them how I am Defying Gravity!"

Recovering from being Sick

I don't mean from something really serious, but that does happen. I just mean from having something like a wicked flu. I've been unlucky the last few months. I've had the flu, had a bad reaction to a prescription, and had an infection in a cyst buried deep under my skin. None of these things were my fault. I did everything right but I was still sick. When I was having side effects from the prescription, my bad pounded, my eyes were blurry, I felt dizzy and nauseous, and disoriented. I was even having problems with simple memories. When sick sometimes we hurt so much that we almost wish we were dead. I just wanted the pain to stop so bad. I just got so damn tired of fighting it. You just want it to stop. It seems like it will never end...

But it does. It really does go away. Just days later- it all disappears. Its like it never happened. I'm back to my old self. It's strange, where did the pain all go? Not that I miss it, not at all. But I feel almost, suspicious... that something that had so much power over my body could just leave without a trace.

Our bodies have amazing abilities. No matter how sick we feel, or drained of energy, it is possible to overcome. Our bodies are a great work of art and engineering. But our minds and souls are stronger. If we can will then to survive, our bodies recover. I have always believed that there are circumstances under which we are given a choice- a choice to live or die. Sometimes there is too much life left in us, and we can fight death. But sometimes we are simply, done. For the eternal amount of experience that life offers, no human being can handle all of it. Our bodies are limited as is even our souls perhaps? I believe that evolution did a marvelous job on our bodies. And I think God created evolution so that our bodies could evolve to the best they were able to. This includes our minds. We evolved to work together, to love each other because it was the best chance of survival we had. To work together. 

But back to the part about being healthy again. Having been recently sick and having recovered, the fact that we can bounce back from such a loss of control, helps me to believe that there is something grandeur looking out for us. Something that evolved us to be able to heal thousands of years ago. Its been looking out for us, for a long time.

The Lion King

First, I'm going to acknowledge that it's a bit strange that a movie that takes place in Africa has so much Christian overtones. I admit that I know nothing about any African religions (and I know there are many). But I happen to see a lot of Christian ideas in the movie. I guess you could make the argument that the movie focuses on animals and who knows what they believe anyway? That said, I'm going to simply appreciate what it does for me personally, even though it most likely does not reflect African culture. I'm going to try not to see the religious ideas in it as "Christian" but more as simply suggestive that everything in the world is connected, life never really ends, and that goodness can exist even in the darkest moments.


"Everything you see, exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance, and respect all the creatures, from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope." Obviously, no ruler, be they king or president of a democracy, can follow this to the letter, but it is important that Mufasa kept this in mind. "When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so, we are all connected in the great circle of life." When I put this into human perspective, I think of it as no person is better, stronger, or more deserving than anyone else on this planet. It is impossible for us not to judge each other, but if we must be imperfect, then we must do our best to do so with an open mind and respect each other the best that we can. I wonder if Mufasa's treatment of Zazoo was a fair one- allowing Simba to use him as target practice- or if it was wrong to exile the hyenas from the "pride lands" (land of plenty). Those things didn't really seem "right" to me, but he did at least realize that everyone was connected and important in the grand scheme. Even his food, he believed was to be respected for they would one day trod upon the ground where he was laid to rest. Scar, on the other hand completely destroyed the land that had given him life. His blatant disrespect for the animals that he ate and the plants that fed the food he consumed destroyed everything. Not just for his royal subjects, but for himself. The land became hard, gray, and devoid of happiness. Whether or not there really are higher beings "Great kings of the past, looking down on us" it was clear that that kind of disrespect for life, destroyed life for everyone and so it was wrong. It took the return of a flawed, but humble king to return the land to its former state. 


Simba was obviously not perfect either, but his humbled self allowed him to be kinder to others and the land, which eventually returned to its healthy state. The evil that seemed to have crushed any and all life from the savanna, returned. It shows that love and consideration for others creates a better life for everyone. It's not a perfect life, but that doesn't mean we should give up because the difference that a little respect could make was huge. I believe these same principals apply to our real, human lives. 


Simba could not see this vast difference at first. It took the reminding of his friends and his father to bring him back to the land of his birth to where he could literally "see" the evil that plagued the land. All that once was bountiful and beautiful was desolate and gray. He also forgot that you can't turn your back on the rest of the world simply because you are conveniently taken care of, because the world is a part of you. "Simba, you have forgotten me...You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself Simba, you are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the circle of life."

 The movie reminds us that even when we mess up, it is not the end. And we are never alone. Love is with us. 
"How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be," Simba says to his father but his father responds, "You are my son. And the one true king." 
We all make mistakes and sometimes we turn our backs on others for the sake of ourselves, but that doesn't mean we can't go back. There is always hope and love is always on your side. It doesn't mean that you will necessarily get exactly what you want in the end, but at least you are never alone. Simba felt that when his father died, it was not only his fault, but that he had lost the thing he cared most for in the world.
"That's not my father, that's just my reflection-" "No!" Raffiki cuts him off, "Look harder...you see? He lives in you."
Sometimes we lose the people we love in the physical world. This does not mean everything you loved about them is gone. If you still love them, a piece of them remains. I don't mean this metaphorically- your love for them is still real and hasn't died and that was apart of who they were. Nothing affects people and their actions more than being loved. Therefore, Simba's love of his father, kept a piece of Mufasa on the earth with him. The ones we love are kept alive so long as we don't forget the things they stood for, especially those things they upheld for love's sake. Keep those ideas alive, and you have not lost them. Keep those ideas alive and they are never gone from our lives.

"Look kid, bad things happen and you can't do anything about it right? WRONG." No really, wrong. Sorry Timone, but there is always something you can do.

Don't run from your past. Don't run or turn your back on the world and the people you love. Remember that everyone is connected, in some way or another. Even your loving someone positively affects even the people you most dislike in your life. It is always better to love and show respect for those around you. This includes even the different beings of creation and not just people, "from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope," every bug and every tree "breathes" in a sense.

Disney movies get a lot of criticism from feminists and racial activists and I just wanted so say, that while this movie certainly far from perfect, it is not the "Scar" of our children's entertainment experiences, it is the "Mufasa." The Lion King is one such movie that teaches us to love everyone and very thing, to not be jealous of what we do not have (like the greedy Scar) but to live our lives happily (like Timone and Pumba) and do the best we can to survive with the help of those we love (as Simba did with his father), while respecting those who also inhabit our area.

I believe that love lives within all of us and we can choose to embrace it and use it for good. The Lion King inspired me as a child and made me believe in the power of kindness and love. I think it helped me grow up to be a better person than I would have without it.

"Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"

--Sorry for being MIA the last week, I was sick and definitely not myself. Anyway, the show goes on!--

Swing low, sweet chariot
Coming for to carry me home,
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Coming for to carry me home.

"Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" was inspirational for me this week. I don't mean to seem bleak, but sometimes life is a real struggle. Every day this week, I woke up with a intense dizziness. The kind of dizzy were it doesn't matter whether you're laying down with your eyes closed or up and running in circles, your head really hurts. Living was painful. This song however, was soothing for my poor head. The deep, sugary-sweet voices all sounding in unison together, gives me a real feeling of power. The deepness especially, makes it sound like a god's voice. Apart of what is so appealing about the song is having all the voices blending together to create a golden harmony. I prefer immensely, for the song to be sung in a group and feel that the message of the song is lost when a single soloist is featured. I don't really care how gifted they are, it just doesn't do the same thing for me.

Sometime's I'm up, and sometimes I'm down,

(Coming for to carry me home)

But still my soul feels heavenly bound.

(Coming for to carry me home)

Historically, the song was created and sung by the slaves of the deep south. It was a song who lyrics told them that even if they weren't free literally or metaphorically from the the terrible suffering that others inflicted on them, they would be upon death. No matter what happened to them in live, whether they escaped, were freed, or lived the entirety of their live in anguish, that peace, joy, safety, and their families would be theirs in heaven. I think the idea of the friends and family being reunited was especially important because its common knowledge that the slaves were ruthlessly separated from even the most immediate of their family members. Intimate friends, lovers, and even children and babies were merciless ripped away from each other.

If you get there before I do,
(Coming for to carry me home)
Tell all my friends I'm coming too.
(Coming for to carry me home)

I feel that the word "home" is used in place of "heaven" because the heaven for them (and maybe for all of us), is where we feel safe, loved, and at peace and these are all qualities we associate with our homes, or what we try to make them. Heaven was having a permanent home and place they could rely on to always be there. 

It is also rumored that "Sweet Low, Sweet Chariot" was one of the songs sung to attract people to the underground railroad. The lyrics for "Chariot" were sometimes substituted with the underground railroad hero, "Harriet" as in "Harriet Tubman." Slaves would sing "Swing Low, Sweet Harriet" to alert others to their opportunity to escape to freedom. The song was not only a metaphorical sign of hope, but a literal one because it really did help the African Americans escape to freedom in Canada. 

Even for the slaves that never did escape however, I can see why they would be so inclined to sing. Especially this song. Music carries our souls somewhere heavenly, out of the often sad and depressing world we live in. It is something all people can love, enjoy, and be truly transformed by. To me, it is further evidence that all people are the same inside, in our souls. It connects us by bringing us back the basic necessities we all cherish; peace, love, safety and the idea of striving for a better existence.

 Swing Low, Swing Chariot, someday we will all be free, this I believe.

I know this is British, but it's the unity in the voices that I loved (plus the video quality was good).

My Father

When I was in middle school a very sad thing happened, my parents got divorced. It may not seem like a big deal considering how many people get divorced these days in the United States. "50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce," according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri. I have few friends whose families were not touched by divorce. But it was a huge deal for me and for my family, something none of us could have predicted just a few years ealier. My family was broken, destroyed and it took a long time for us to reform into new families. No one close to me made it out without what I considered to be, significant changes in their personalities.


Because of this divorce I was separated from my Dad, on and off, for considerable amounts of time. From the ages of 0-12 (approx) my Dad come home every night at dinner time. We all sat together around the table and talked about our day. Then my Sister and I, would grab a bowl of ice cream and sit on the couch with our Dad while he would read to us aloud. The Wizard of Oz, Ozma of Oz, all three Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, Robin Hood, and most of the Harry Potter series are just a few of the chapter books that came to life from the voice of my Father. But then my parents started fighting. And I saw far less of him. I don't know why these things happen, I just know that it did. And the books on the coffee table went untouched for a long time. When my Dad was there, we did make an effort to read together, but it was hard because it was so infrequent. It may sound strange, but I was sad when I finished the Harry Potter series by myself. It felt weird and unsettling. 


Never the less, I kept reading and starting writing. Inspired by all the books we had read, their was no question in my mind what I wanted to eventually do as a career. I had known since I was probably 5 years old when my Dad decided it was time to start reading me chapter books, that I wanted to create the same things that I so much enjoyed. I wanted to be a writer. When my friends and I graduated from high school, so many of them didn't know what they wanted to do. I never had that problem. Communications and the study and practice of writing Literature became my focus in college and I've never regretted it.


It would be unkind not to mention that my Mother supported me every step of the way, because she most certainly did. However, it was my Father who read to me every night when I was a small child. It was through my father that I found the inspiration for my career. When I am an old women, no longer able to play rugby, have to put my dentures in to play my trumpet, and can't steady my hands enough to draw, I will still have my books. Perhaps I will have a daughter, granddaughter or niece that will again read to me aloud, bringing the pages of the stories I love to life.


I love my Father very much, and though we don't always share a lot of the same core beliefs, I know that we share a passion for knowledge and what is good and just in this world. So many of the books we read together reflected that message strongly. I don't think my Dad would care to hear that he a reason I believe in something higher, but I don't think he would be unhappy hearing that he is a reason I have hope and faith that there is goodness in the world, and good people.


This one is for my Daddy, and all the Daddies this Father's Day. Give your kids something positive and good to believe in because they believe in you!

Big Men with Big Hearts

I was in the gym yesterday, jogging on the treadmill when a familiar song came on the radio over the loudspeakers called "Mockingbird" by Eminem. Now, I'm not a big fan of Eminem. Most of the time, his lyrics just don't appeal to me and I don't even pretend to love the "Mockingbird" song. However, what followed did make my heart flutter; I thought I heard an echo in the song, like maybe the speakers were delayed or something. So I twisted my body a bit (which is a hard thing to do while running on a treadmill) and saw that a handful of the guys in the gym were singing along to the song.


"Two little beautiful girls
Lookin' puzzled, in a daze
I know it's confusing you
Daddy's always on the move, mama's always on the news
I try to keep you sheltered from it but somehow it seems
The harder that I try to do that, the more it backfires on me-"

I have to admit I was surprised. These guys weren't little guys by any means. They were all pretty muscular and many of the them sported tattoos. I have no idea if any of them were dads, but the song must have touched them in some way. One guy in particular seemed completely unashamed to be singing the song allowed.

"I remember back one year when daddy had no money

Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up
And stuck 'em under the tree and said some of 'em were from me
Cause daddy couldn't buy 'em
I'll never forget that Christmas I sat up the whole night crying-"

Again, I don't know if this guy was poor or if he even had kids, but I had to stop and admire that moment. Here was what appeared to be, a man's man. Tall, buff, tattooed, and wearing a beer branded shirt. I don't try to judge who people are based on their appearance, but he seemed to be making a conscious effort to at least seem tough. 

This moment reminded me of a man that I am fond of from my recent past. I had a guy couch when I played rugby in college who was not a little guy. He was tall and quite solid. A prop for his own rugby team, this was not a guy you'd want to pick a fight with. He drinks beer, plays rugby, and hits the gym hard. But like everything he does, he also loves intensely. This coach has two kids at home that (apart from rugby) I think he loves more than anything in the world. He also loves and protects the young women he coaches for. When I was at school there, he called us his "baby angels." I never really liked the name itself as I don't see myself that way, but what I did really like was how sensitive he was when he talked to us and about us. When we made it to nationals, he balled his eyes out trying to tell us how proud he was. Sometimes during practice, he would tell us "Now if you really want to hit that other kid hard, you gotta get fired up. Picture that they're trying to take something away from you that matters to you more than anything in the world. I pretend like that asshole is trying to hurt my kids and then nothing in the world can stop me" or at least it was something like that (maybe not word for word). I once watched him console a player who broke her hand. He walked over to her, pulled his sleeve over his hand, and gently wiped her tears away. I don't remember what he said to her, but it doesn't much matter. It was the way he did it that told me what kind of guy he was. 

Like Eminem, I think my coach would have done anything for his own kids and maybe even for the kids he coaches. Watching those very masculine guys sing that song in the gym and reminding me of a good man I knew/know and for a moment, it made me believe in a God. These guys believe very strongly in their appearance because society has taught them exactly how to be "manly men" and singing a lullaby is not it. Perhaps the fact that it was Eminem made it more acceptable for them, but whatever the reason, I'm glad they felt it was ok to step outside the boundaries that society has set for them and show some sensitivity and maybe love for someone waiting for them at home. I believe the coach I knew was the real man, it didn't matter to me that he was big and strong, what mattered to me was that he loved intensely and he wasn't too embarrassed to show it. That's a real man. 

"Little Talks" Of Monsters and Men

For those of you don't know, there's a new band on the block and their name is "Of Monsters and Men." Their most popular song, "Little Talks" rocked them to fame from their home country of Iceland to touring around the world. The music video is full of dazzling imagery and both the song and video are full of deep meaning and inspiration.

Now I can't speak for the artists or band members as to what their song/video was meant to say, I can only interpret what it meant to me. Likely, you may see something else entirely when you watch the video.

At the beginning of the song, we see a black and white, colorless land and five awkward men floating on a fanciful ship- of sorts. The people move in an animated cut-out paper doll fashion, and it adds to their fragile, awkward being. Then, suddenly a ball of color hits the screen in the form of a meteor. From within the meteor, an alien of great power and overwhelming brilliance emerges from within. She is so powerful that it sends the poor little paper-like people flying backwards. Despite her obvious superiority, she decides to join them on their voyage in the sky, floating just above their bizarre little ship.

Countless monsters of massive size and abilities beyond what any of the little men could ever hope to possess attack them as they try to make it to...well through life? It's hard to say and its never mentioned. Every time they struggle against what we would think are surely impossible evils, this sort of intelligent, mystic being from the meteor, saves them. She appears to be much smaller then the monsters she faces, but her power is far mightier. With one puff of color, she explodes them into a million pieces, destroying them so completely that its as if they had never been there at all.

At the end, the men loose sight of their ship, but this guardian helps them ascend on high, into the the clouds above. Once again, a mighty beast appears, just as threatening and frightening as the many others they faced. It has several eyes enabling it to see in any direction it so desires, huge teeth, and wings. But unlike the other monsters, the mystic angel greets the beast with a smile, a smile she has not shown until then. The beast does not attack, but spreads its wings open wide across the entire screen, showing that it too, has sparkling plumage, fur, and a white light pouring from its head. All colors of the rainbow fill the sky and the five little men who see this cannot believe it. Their mouths open wide, all they can do is gape in amazement.

This is...God? It could definitely be one person's vision of it. As unusual as it is, compared to the rest of the vial creatures in the video, it is quite beautiful and brings "color" to an otherwise dull and frightening world.

The song itself, could be interpreted many different ways. I did not find one definite explanation among fans. But what words were especially important to me were in the chorus, "Although the truth may vary this/ ship will carry our/ bodies safe to shore..." I see it as, no matter what happens, time (I think of the ship as a metaphor for it) will bring us to the end of our struggles in life. Our pain will not last forever. And if you so choose to believe it, waiting for in the afterlife will be your friends, family, guardians, and all the colors of the rainbow you can imagine and more. So much so, that you won't be able to take it all in let alone believe how wonderful it truly is. This little band, from the little country of Iceland, and their one particular song that I am now in love with, made me believe and feel inspired once again- if only just a little bit more.

Albus Dumbledore

"No spell can reawaken the dead, Harry. I trust you know that. Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy."

I'm afraid we live in a world that has constant evil. It's true that we've never had to battle a dark wizard bent on destroying non-magical people, but we as a race, have faced many a foe who hated others because they were different, "impure," or thought of as one to be envied. The world is full of evil intentions. It's always been hard for me to claim that any one person is "evil." It seems so finite, too concrete for me to give anyone this label, but I do believe their are evil intentions. Fear and the inability to understand others, or even oneself, causes such violence and despair among people. I believe life is about learning and learning to love all. But sometimes people just can't see beyond themselves or really see the big picture, and they get lost. I don't hate these people, I pity them. Dumbledore once told Harry, "Do not pity the dead Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.”

 I believe that even as evil as Voldemort's intentions were, that Dumbledore (or J.K. Rowling if you want to be more realistic about it) wanted us to pity this man of dark ways. He was an orphan, a tormented, unloved boy who could never grow up because he did not know who he was. With no one to show him what was good within himself, only what was "wrong" (being weak, alone, and a half-blood) he could not love himself, nor others. His life was built on the only thing he know for certain had good results- power. Now there is nothing inherently wrong with power, it is the desire for power above all else that is evil. Tom Riddle's every waking moment was obsessed with the idea of keeping himself on top of the food chain. What a miserable existence, constantly worrying about whether or not you're the most powerful in the world and all the while wondering how you could be so strong and yet still be so unhappy. Hence, the madness. Obsession of any kind is never healthy, but to obsess over power most be the most lonely for there is no one to trust for everyone you bring up with you in strength then becomes a competitor.

Everyone has problems or maybe minor obsessions that drag us down. Sometimes, we end up feeling as alone and crazy as Voldemort, but what sets us apart is our choices.

"It is not our abilities that show us what we truly are, it is our choices." We are no more immune to the mistakes and sadness that is our imperfect human nature than Voldemort was, but we do not have to decide to take the same path. Harry Potter worried constantly about his similarities to the darkest man ever to walk the face of the earth. He was an orphan and from the time he was a baby was tormented and unloved by what was left of his family. He could talk to snakes, a Biblical evil (yet realistically misunderstood) creature. He was ambitious and had a "thirst to prove himself" and was even offered a place in Slytherin House. But he turned it down. He felt alone in the world, but choose to turn down Malfoy's friendship in his first year at school and instead surrounded himself by kind, brave, and loving people. He wanted to prove his bravery, but instead of keeping the world's most powerful wand, he got rid of it. It was his choices that set him apart. For those of us that may have a little more trouble then Harry in finding good fortune to help us along the way, Dumbledore tells his students this, "Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." He means to say, do not wallow in the darkness, as is easiest to do. Surround yourself with good people to support you. Search for love in the world and you will find it. It may not always be where you wanted it to be or where you expected it to be, but it is there. "Help will always be given at Hogwarts, to those who ask for it." There is always help, in some form. Sometimes it comes from within ourselves, a strength we didn't know we had. To me, I believe this hidden power is our very essence, our soul, and the part of our creator that insists on staying with us, even if no one else does. 

"Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it."
Dumbledore pets Fawkes, who would later rescue Harry from the Basilisk. 

Of course, we cannot fight the evil forever, unlike our good Earth, we cannot simply recycle ourselves very spring and be born anew. Our bodies grow old and tired of standing up to the graceful yet cruel world we inhabit. And even more so, our minds grow old of what the Earth has to teach us. Still, we hang on as long as we can because this home is all we've ever known. What if there is nothing else afterward? What if we are not reborn, go to heaven, find peace in our final resting place? "It’s the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more," Dumbledore says reassuringly. All that is truly holding us back from our next chapter, is the fear of what is to come. Simply because you cannot see it, doesn't mean their is not something there to catch you when you fall- like walking up a staircase in the dark. The next step is there, its just so hard to trust it. When Harry has his brief experience with death, Dumbledore tells him that he was two choices, he can simply stay at King's Cross Station, or he can board the train. "And where will it take me?" Harry asks, most likely expecting either "Heaven" or some location on Earth, but instead Dumbledore simply smiles and says "On."

It will take us onward. It doesn't matter where, and in fact, you couldn't choose not to go even if you didn't want to. But it will take you on. “After all to the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” An adventure! Sometimes fear of the unknown can be exciting. If you knew what was around every turn...wouldn't your existence get a little boring? When it is time, we move on to the next big thing.

More me, I believe that "heaven" is simply whatever is next. It means at least a brief moment of rest after our life-long marathon and hopefully, it means being surrounded by the love and peace we sought throughout our lives. And then something new to continue onto. 

I believe that there is something beyond because someone like Rowling could create a character that puts us at ease. Here's a man that doesn't even exist, except within Rowling's mind, and he feels so real, so wise, so loving. I trust him even though he barely exists. As Harry turns to continue his own journey, he calls to Dumbledore, "Professor, is this all in my head?" Dumbledore looks back at him and says, "Of course it's all in your head, but why should that mean that it's not real?" He may be a made up character, but he exists in Rowling's mind. He exists in mine, and in the minds of millions of eager little boys, girls, and their parents who grew to love him. Love is always real. It may be in our minds, but it's also in our souls. I believe in him, just as I believe in love, goodness, and the journey beyond. 

He lives within us. 

 "This kind of mark cannot be seen. It lives in your very skin. 

 Love, Harry. Love."

Being Employed

So, I had a pretty rough day at work today. Not only was I told to be quiet in the meetings even though I had useful and relevant points to make, but I was also unfairly told to change the way I dress...again. That is all a very long story, but basically, because I tend to dress like a guy, I can't get away with as much as the other girls can in the office who tend to dress more "feminine." They can wear short dresses and skirts, but I can't wear dress shorts that come down past my knees. Anyway, when I was totally pissed about this after work, I realized how negative I was feeling. I was mad because they aren't taking advantage of my skills and complaining about things I did which were completely irrelevant to the grand scheme of things. I'm sure many, if not most people who head home from work in the evenings have the same complaints about the way they're treated at work.

According to CBS report in 2010, "a new survey that found only 45 percent of Americans are satisfied with their work" and this has changed since 2008 when "49 percent of those surveyed reported satisfaction with their jobs." http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-201_162-6056611.html

However, as I've been trying to look on the brighter side of things, I remember that until very recently, I didn't have a job at all. This recession has been hard on a lot of people, and if I may say so as a matter of personal opinion, especially difficult on those students who have just graduated from college. It took 3 months of interning (with no pay) and another 3 months of volunteering at the same location before my boss finally gave in and started paying me full time. Even now, I'm not considered an actual "employee". I have no benefits. No health insurance, no dental insurance, and nothing left to put into savings. If something bad did happen (God forbid) I would be shit out of luck. Still, I am getting paid full-time. I thought it would never happen. I can pay my bills and rent (well sort of). I didn't have to move back in with my parents. I have a purpose every day. And so many people do not- especially in this recession. Many of my friends had to move home straight out of college. Many of them wanted to go to grad school but are afraid that because they don't qualify for FAFSA they will never be able to pay back their college loans. I know that a good percentage of the population out of work isn't students- part of the reason my generation can't find a job is because the baby boomers suddenly realized they can no longer survive off the money they wanted to retire on. Everyone of every age and generation is hurting right now.

This could be me...

But I have a job. It could be so much worse. Every day that I have a job is a good day. It's a day I was blessed by my God. And if I lose this job, at least now I have some work experience to put down on my resumé. God smiled at me when I got out of college. I cried on and off for months in frustration and I finally started getting paid. Once again, every day I have a job is a good day. Every day that I have a job, I am blessed.

Today, I believe because I am employed.

Phineas and Ferb

This may seem lame, but those guys always put a smile on my face. That show is the modern day Rocko's Modern Life and I thought we had seen the end of those awesome 90's cartoons! Remember Doug, Rugrats, Hey Arnold!, Kim Possible? All gone and what's left in their places? Freakin' Hannah Montana and iCarly? What happen to cartoons?! Anyway, Phineas and Ferb. Phineas always has a great attitude. He lives every day to the fullest, is always ready to help others and not only does he not consider it an inconvenience, but as fun. His step-brother, Ferb and step-father, Flynn are from England, showing that two families that were once broken can again find happiness and wholeness. Phineas, Ferb, and Flynn are all scientists, constantly enjoying science's endless possibilities and even trying to make everything "green "as they go. How could you not love two kids that build a bubble that can fly them across town just for the heck of it?

The dry humor and running gags keep the random Monty Python humor of our parents' generation going. Aren't the creators of Phineas and Ferb appealing to an audience that might just be a little too young to truly appreciate these kind of jokes? "Why yes, yes we are!" (If you didn't get that joke it's because you're not watching enough of the show). What's with the giant floating baby head that is never explained or the talking zebra? No other shows do that anymore!

 Perry the platypus/secret agent is so bizarre and yet hilarious itself, that he might be worth watching even without the rest of the characters. "Grrrrawwwwoooowwwwllllll" (Again, if you don't get it, please go watch the show!). Going outside of the norm, the characters do unexpected things instead of following the treand. Dr. Doofenshmirtz (yes, doctor, he got his degree online) may be an evil scientist who is constantly foiled by Perry, but he's also a loving dad. In contrast to most super-hero versus super-hero relationships, Doofenshmirtz occasionally admits that Perry is actually his only real friend and they help each other out (when they're not busy being mortal enemies).

The show looks back on old humor, finds new humor, encourages creativity, love, and enjoying every day that's available to us in this world of endless possibilities. I encourage you that are young and young at heart, to check out Phineas and Ferb. It reminds me that we were given many gifts in this world. It's characters like Phineas that remind me that the world isn't as bad as I think it is and that their might be some power of good looking out for us humans, after all (or its at least try to make us laugh)!