Introduction

Like many educated people, I have and still do constantly question my beliefs. I was born a Catholic and most of my family is Catholic or at least Christian. When I was a teenager, at the last stage of my Religious Education classes (which would have been Confirmation) my parents split up and much of what had been daily or weekly routine for our family was lost. This included going to mass every Sunday and going to Religious Education classes. Not surprisingly, the split up of my parents and what I felt was the loss of my family caused me to suddenly stop and question my faith. I really don't think it had anything to do with the sudden stop of religious activities, but I do think that I was at the age when people really start to think about what their parents have raised them to believe. I would have been about 12 or 13.

Until then, I really hadn't thought much about the existence of God or what the Church told me in general. I wasn't that I did or did not believe anything. I was a kid, in all honestly, I didn't give a shit. Church and R.E. meant getting dragged away from my precious play time out of school to listen to some fat guy in a dress telling a mass of people to stand, sit, kneel (repeat over and over again) and my parents telling me to be quiet and stop squirming all over the place. From ages 1-13 sitting cooped up in one place and not being able to talk or even understand what's going on for a little over an hour seemed like an eternity in purgatory. (That being said, I also feel sorry for my parents who had to deal with my very stubborn attitude every Sunday for years). So at 13, when my parents split up and everything about my life suddenly changed, I found myself questioning everything as well. I had never felt so out of place in the world. Nothing was as predictable as I taught it was and I felt very alone. It don't blame any one person, divorce tears apart families and the individuals in the process. No more how much I loved my parents and I knew they loved me, it was still hard for me. How could God let such a thing happen to my family? My mother was so heart broken, as I'm sure my father was too. My sister and I couldn't talk without fighting. And quite frankly I had no idea what to do with myself. The routine was broken and suddenly it was up to me to decide what to do every day. I wasn't ready and I didn't know how to handle it. How could God do this to me?

My father told me that he didn't believe in God or the Church anymore and perhaps never did. He had certainly always questioned the existence of any "God" or similar deity in general. This was especially shocking for me as my father had talked with me and my sister many times about how he believed God worked, read from the Bible to us, and prayed with us every night before bedtime. Again, everything I had come to rely upon from a baby was taken away from me.

At the age of 15, I developed very strong feelings for another girl at school. She was a softball player, band kid, and modest, kind person. I adored her but was terrified to come to this realization. Although I would fail to admit it to myself until I was a freshman in college at the age of 19, I was gay. This fact in general, did not have anything to do with my faith, but the people who came to surround me because of it did.

College in general seems to be a time when young adults start to question and challenge everything. Other LGBT people even called me a "traitor" for having an identity that related to that of Catholicism. Every bit of information fed to me in and outside of class told me that there was simply no way to prove that any kind of "God" existed. In fact, there is no sure proof that God does exists, at least not through scientific or educated exploration. Every religion in the world is sure that there God really does exist and that all other religions are wrong.

Still, I believe.

There is a lot that I don't believe in as well. I don't like or believe in a lot of the ideas that the Church I grew up with does. I don't thing the Pope is the boss of me nor anyone else, nor do I think he speaks directly for God. I certainly don't believe at any gender identity or sexual orientation is wrong. I don't believe sex (as long as no one is physically or mentally damaged by it) is wrong. Nor do I think that any higher form of spirit (call it God if you want) thinks that this is wrong either. I don't think that worshiping a "God" no matter what you call it by is wrong. And I don't think this "God" has a gender. I don't think science or any other form of educated study is contradictory nor wrong in the eyes of this God. (This includes ideas about evolution). I do not believe that it is wrong to question existence of yourself, your world, or your God so long as you make an attempt to at least see the possibility of a God in the beauty and goodness of the world. I think questioning everything is a normal part of being a human being.

I DO believe that the Church I grew up with has had some positive influence (yes and many negative and hurtful influences) on the world. The idea that Love is very real and should guide our every action seems to be agreed upon world-over (although their are unfortunately many hypocrites in the world). Karma, kindness, love, fate, destiny, whatever you want to call it, I do believe that acting out of a kind or positive mind set has a REAL and positive impact on the world around us. For me, I believe that God in the simplest terms is love. I believe that love comes from understanding the world around us. If you can understand, you can sympathize/emphasize, harmonize, and work with instead of against the world around you. I believe that this "God" does in fact, love everyone and everything he created and so I try to tread lightly, whenever possible, on the Earth on which I have been placed. I believe that fear in something come from a lack of understanding something, which just like me, is here for a reason, keeping the balance in place, and that I should try to understand it, instead of get rid of or distance myself from it.

 I accept that other people will not accept what I believe. And I am willing to hear what they have to say, so long as it is said in a kind manner and with an open mind. I doubt it will change my mind or theirs, but as I said before- understanding others is important. I doubt any one individual with ever agree completely with another individual's beliefs, even if they love each other immensely and practice the same faith.

All that being said, this blog really isn't for debates about the existence of God or a particular God over others (sorry to disappoint). This blog is for a daily reflection. To take a moment every day to look over the world in which I/we exist and see some good in it. See that a "God" whatever that God is has had a hand in it. That there is some kind of grand design or planning that went into the world. In the beauty that does exist. There is beauty in everything, you just have to look from many different angles to see it.

 To quote my favorite character, Samwise Gamgee, from my favorite movie series, "The Lord of the Rings":
"There is some good in this world. And it's worth fighting for!"

I am going to post something good I see every day, something that makes me believe in a higher being, grand plan, in short "God". I am open to suggestions as well.

So I ask you, what makes you believe?